Thunderstorm of You

Thunderstorm of You
© Meesa Caudill



My life was like a cloud-free day,
not a drop of rain in sight.
The air was crisp, the beginning of fall-
a perfect autumn night.
With just one glance you were there,
no warning, no alarm.
Like a funnel cloud to a storm chaser
I was entranced by your charm.
Our first days together were sunny and bright,
a few rainbows here and there.
And suddenly there was a dark cloud,
a heaviness in the air.

I had my days in the sun
and then the clouds came rollin' in.
I didn't heed the warning
when the thundering began.
My heart was struck by lightening,
there was a flash, and we were through.
How in the world does a girl survive
the thunderstorm of you?

The tears poured down like torrential rain,
your voice so loud, so full of thunder.
No flash flood warning to save me this time-
I felt myself go under.
Our angry words were hailing down,
striking our souls to the core.
I tried to run, tried to hide-
needed shelter from the storm.
So now I wait while it passes,
praying for crisp air and clear skies.
Hoping I no longer see
the dark clouds in your eyes.

I had my days in the sun
and then the clouds came rollin' in.
I didn't heed the warning
when the thundering began.
My heart was struck by lightening,
there was a flash, and we were through.
How in the world does a girl survive
the thunderstorm of you?

4 years, 6 months, 3 days...

Not one day has passed, not ONE, that I haven't thought about my dad.

Not one week has passed that I haven't had at least one dream with him in it, be it a nightmare or bittersweet.

And not one moment goes by that I don't wish with everything in my still-broken heart that he was still here.

It's been four and a half years now. The pain is more tolerable now, or at least I've learned to live in denial like a pro. It still hurts though, even if it doesn't feel like it's killing me. It's only unbearable when I really allow myself to think about the details. I don't do that very often. I still hear that I need professional help to deal with it, even though it's been so long now. And a few months ago I finally allowed myself to admit that those who have told me that are right.

Often times, before I write one of my notes, blogs, or statuses about him or my son, I wonder if people are sick of reading about it. I don't understand why I even care. So many times throughout my days, I walk around with a smile on my face or trying to make jokes in order to make everyone around me feel good. I try not to show my true emotions because I know most people don't know what to say and it makes them uncomfortable.

So many times I've wondered what he was thinking in the split second before he pulled that trigger. I know he was arguing with his mother about my mom. Was he angry? Was he hurt? Or was he just so sick of the bullshit that he just didn't care anymore? Did he think about me? Did he think about what he was doing to my mom, my sister, his grandchildren? Why didn't he leave us a note? He knew he was going to do it. Why didn't he call?

And so many times I get angry with everyone. I'm angry at almost his entire family. I would go through and list everyone and my reasoning behind it but I won't allow myself to do that. I'll wait until I can afford a shrink to go through my list one-by-one. All I can say is that I hope each of them feel the pain I do, tenfold, every day. No matter how much I love them, I blame them for my dad not being here. I know that a psychiatrist will assure me that I'm just fucked in the head and there's no one to blame but him, but I will always see things differently.

I wonder who will walk me down the aisle if I ever get married again. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to without him. He always said he wouldn't "give me away" twice. Guess he wasn't lying.

If I ever have another child, he won't be here. He left when I was pregnant with my son and that kills me. Didn't he even want to meet him if I had made it to full term? Did he think we'd be better off without him???

Although it's been over four years, the pain has become more tolerable but the questions remain. And the anger... the anger sometimes sears through me, so much so that I feel like I could burst into flames.

I am angry at the world.

Liar, Liar

Liar, Liar
© Meesa Caudill


Liar, liar
your tongue's on fire
from telling all those fibs.
Liar, liar
you're such a crier
when I find out what you did.

"Baby, please believe me!" you say
as the lies roll off your tongue.
You carry the burden of all your stories,
I bet they weigh a ton!
Go find someone to believe your bull
and the venom that you spew.
There's no emotion left in my heart,
no more trust for you.

Liar, liar
your tongue's on fire
from telling all those fibs.
Liar, liar
you're such a crier
when I find out what you did.

You tell me that she's just a friend
so why are her pictures in your phone?
I don't need a liar in my life...
I'm better off alone.
She calls you on the weekend
late at night when we're apart.
You tell me she means nothing to you
but I know better in my heart.
So take your lies, and go to her-
maybe she'll believe your stories are true.
But as for me, I'm done with the drama,
and I'm done with you.

Nothin'

Nothin'
© Meesa Caudill


He says he's workin' late tonight,
don't bother waiting up...
walks in the door at 3 am,
smelling like the club.
But smoke and bourbon can't hide the smell
of perfume on his shirt,
Pretending to sleep, holding back tears,
she lets anger replace the hurt.
Next morning as she cooks breakfast
he reads the paper to relax.
He sees the look on her face, guilt eats him away,
"What's wrong?" he start to ask.
She just smiles and says,
"Nothin'."

But "Nothin'" means somethin'
when there's fire in her eyes.
She can smile and say "nothin'"
but she sees through your lies.
Don't think she's naive when
she hides behind the disguise
of
"nothin'".

He's still "at work" at midnight
and she knows it'll be hours before he's home.
She's out on the town with her best friends...
it's her turn to roam.
Tall, dark, and handsome is standing by the bar,
and he keeps looking her way...
some flirty conversation and a few drinks later
she decides to play.
She's cozy in bed by the time he gets home,
now the guilt kicks in for her.
Pretending she's asleep, she can't hold back the tears,
and she can't hide the hurt.
He kisses her gently on the cheek
as he climbs into bed.
As she kisses him back he can barely see her face,
wet from the tears she's shed.
He's afraid to hear the painful answer
to what he's known all along
wrapping his arms around her,
again he ask's "What's wrong?"
She just smiles and says,
"Nothin'."

But "Nothin'" means somethin'
when there's guilt in her eyes.
She can smile and say "nothin'"
but she tells her own lies.
Don't think she's innocent when
she hides behind the disguise
of
"nothin'".

Growing Up and Saying Goodbye

"“Doing all the little tricky things it takes to grow up, step by step, into an anxious and unsettling world.” ~ Sylvia Plath

I just went to the visitation of a man I went to middle school with. He was the husband of my best friend from my teenage years. He was murdered five days ago. Tomorrow I will go to his funeral, pay my respects, and say goodbye.

What happened to the adults we were supposed to be when we were younger? None of us were supposed to die before we were 80. We were all supposed to be rich and successful. We were all supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to be healthy and happy until our silver years.

So many people from my yearbooks are gone. Taken away by death. And so many of those who are still breathing have been taken away by drugs. So many who will never have children. So many who will never see the children they do have grow up. So many who will never know their full potential, or what could have been. So many who have let their lives go because of that buzz, that warmth of the drugs that invade their systems, that money that comes with selling those pills, weed, crack, etc. When we were kids, we were all gonna be rock stars. We were supposed to be doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, the first woman president...

Now there are so many who are buried, behind bars of a jail or prison, or trapped by addictions. So many of us that didn't come to meet our full potential. So many of us are lost in dreams of what might have been had we taken the road that we were 'supposed' to.

Now I sit here wondering what happened to those youngsters who dreamed of fame, fortune, and success. I wonder at what point did we give up and give in to the people we became. I wonder when the moment was that we realized that those dreams were just us grasping at a reality that was just impossible so we became who we are today.

And I'm left wondering, yet again, about what happens to the human soul once we are breathing no more.Do we get to witness our own funeral and burial before going off into the unknown? Do we 'rest' and await judgment day? Do we immediately go to the gates of Heaven and meet the ever-so-famous St. Peter? Do we get to meet God at the moment we take our last breath? Is there a God? What's He like? Is He the mean, punishing God that we read about in the First Testament of the Bible, or the forgiving, loving, understanding God that the New Testament portrays?

For the rest of my life I will remember those who've passed on as forever young. They will never have to deal with getting old, losing more loved ones, disease, tragedy, the aches and pains each passing year brings our bodies. They will remain the age they were at their last breath for eternity. I may cry because I miss their presence but I do not cry for the dead. I cry for those of us they left behind to mourn, to grieve. I cry for those that are hurting and not sure where to go from here. I cry for those who will miss out on cherished memories they could have had with those that have passed. I cry for the babies who will miss their daddies. I cry for those little girls who will never have their daddy there to walk them down the aisle when they get married. I cry for the mothers they left behind that ache to hold their children just one last time. I cry for the friends and loved ones who will no longer be blessed by the presence of those we hold so dear.

In memory of those lost along the way... may they always stay forever young.

Lee Adams - 12-6-1992
Tedman "Ted" Allan Birchum - 16 years old - 8-20-1993

Jay Chappell - 16 years old - 5-17-1994

Brandon Odom - 16 years old -  5-17-1994

Brad Johnson - 15/16 years old - 1995

Ike Davis - 18 years old - 4-20-1999

Aaron Mills - 22 years old - 4-20-1999

Shane Kimberling - age?

Shane McCormick - 31 years old - 7-10-1999

Laura Webb - age? 

Richard Quesenberry -  8-16-2008

Brian Smith - 2010

Rocky Adams - 33 - 1-4-2011

There are so many more that I'm sure I'm forgetting. Please let me know if there are any I should add.
May they rest in peace and God bless their souls.

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." ~ George S. Patton, Jr.

I Knew Better

I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.

I shouldn't let you linger in my head
or be inspired to write songs about you...
I shouldn't be haunted by your eyes-
I knew what I was getting myself into.
I knew that you were dangerous-
I told you that from the start...
I didn't want you to touch me
for fear of you ripping out my heart.
Yet I ignored my instincts
and told myself you were 'just fun'-
I've tried so many times to quit you
but there's nowhere for me to run.

I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
Punish me, I deserve it-
tear out my heart, you know you're going to.
I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.

Each time you come back tempting me
and I can't tell you no-
you know how to get inside my brain...
now you're invading my soul.
When you're not here I think of you-
when you're here I don't want you to leave...
I'm so stupid for letting you get to me-
how could I have been so naive???
And how can you be so cruel to me
to let this carry on-
knowing that I can't let you go
yet, in the morning you'll be gone.

So go ahead, tear out my heart-
we both know you're going to...
I expect the pain, I expect the tears-
my punishment for falling for you.

Me Bein' Dirty (hahaha!)

There you are standin' in front of me
looking so incredible...
you look and smell and taste so good
I wonder if you're edible.
Lick you like a lollipop?
Lil' Wayne, get it right-
I wanna suck on you like a popsicle-
don't worry, baby, I don't bite.
Well.. not unless you like that sort of thing-
if so, I'll start to nibble...
I'll work my way all over your body,
until you start to tremble.
I'll lick you up and down
until you can't take it anymore-
then you can have your way with me-
on the bed, the counter, the floor.
I like it how you like, baby-
just tell me what you need...
doesn't matter, fast and hard
or keep it slow and sweet.
We can go all night or just for a while-
who's keepin' track of time?
Don't think about anything else, boy,
cause tonight you're all mine.
I wanna be your porn superstar,
fulfill all your fantasies...
use that power that you possess
and bring out the lil' devil in me.

You're My Karma... For You

I've always heard that Karma's a bitch
and I've learned that the hard way so many times...
so you would think I would have known better
than to commit anymore karmic crimes.
But then that summer night you looked my way
and I wasn't sure why, but I knew it was wrong...
but the feel of your body dancing against mine
made me want time to stop to a never ending song.
The smell of your clothes, the heat of your skin,
your strong arms around me all night...
there was something about you that made me cautious
and yet the butterflies still took flight.
I tried so hard to turn you down
but your magnetism was too strong to resist...
and I knew I was wrong but I was hooked-
addicted upon first kiss.
So now you're my weakness, you're my addiction,
you're my pain... I have to make it through.
You're my payback- my heart is the fee ,
you're my karma for falling for you.

Gypsy Thoughts

My gypsy soul is getting restless-
I've been in a coma for thirty-one years.
My heart longs to get out of this town-
forget the past, the pain, the tears.
Let's follow some railroad tracks
just to see where they go.
Let's get into my car and drive non-stop
listening to the radio and the wind blow.
We don't need a suitcase
some duffle bags will have to do-
let's pack some stuff and get out of this state,
leaving behind all we've been through.
Maybe we could hop on a Greyhound bus
choosing our destination with a dart-
follow the lines drawn out on a map...
follow our dreams, and our hearts.
Let's get out of here and find ourselves
somewhere outside of this big little town-
let fate and destiny be our guide,
and stop letting our fears hold us down...
Come on, baby, run away with me-
let's make our own place in this world.
Say you'll be my gypsy man-
and run away with this gypsy girl.

Caged Bird Singing

Trapped.
Confined.
Suffocated.
Imprisoned.

Caged.


Do you ever get the urge to just run away from everything? To just sell or throw away everything you own and take off in whichever direction you choose just to see where the road goes?

I want to run away. Run away from this dead-end job. Run away from the boredom of Lexington. Run away from the norm. Run away from the things that haunt me. Run away from this life and start a new one.

I've been wracking my brain for what seems like forever- trying to figure out what is missing from my life and how to turn my life into what I want it to be. No conclusions have been come to and I'm still at a loss. I still have no idea where I want to be and what I want to be doing with my life. I'll be 31 years old in two weeks and I have nothing to show for my time on this planet. No family. No career. No adventures. I have been walking around like a zombie since I came into this world and I yearn to LIVE.

How do you do that when you're flat broke and drive a piece of shit car that you can't even depend on to take you across town? Does being poor confine us to a life of dreary days with nothing to look forward to? Whether I live the life of a gypsy for six months or not- I know one thing... I've got to do something, anything, before I lose my mind.


I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Maya Angelou


"The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."