Homesick Gypsy

Homesick Gypsy
©Meesa Caudill
Sitting in this fluorescent hell,
windows open, feeling the breeze-
daydreaming of the moment
when I can finally be free.
Needing the wind from a car window
blowing through my hair,
I need to feel the rush
of driving to the middle of nowhere.
My gypsy soul is homesick,
the road is calling my name-
I need to see the world
that's beyond this window pane.

I'm a homesick gypsy,
I need to be on the road.
This homesick gypsy
with nowhere to go.
Lord help this homesick gypsy
find her way home.

My daddy was a trucker so
I was born with diesel in my veins.
I can't be still in one place too long,
Lord, release me from these chains.
Put me in a car, in a plane, or
the train going down the tracks.
I'm so ready to get out of here
and never have to look back.
My gypsy soul is aching
to see the world with my own eyes.
I need to experience everything there is-
no tears, no regrets, no goodbyes.

I'm a homesick gypsy,
I need to be on the road.
This homesick gypsy
with nowhere to go.
Lord help this homesick gypsy
find her way home.

Don't Go Fallin' For A Fallen Angel

Don't Go Fallin' for a Fallen Angel
© Meesa Caudill


I wish I was the perfect angel
that you see in your dreams
but sadly, my halo's a little rusted
and there's mud on my broken wings.
I get frisky when the horns appear,
you can tell by the smirk on my face.
I can go from good to bad in a second,
that's why I fell from grace.

So don't go fallin' for a fallen angel-
I don't want to pierce your heart with my horns.
Even the most delicate rose
can hurt you with it's thorns.
Don't let my rusty halo fool you
into thinking I'm good as gold-
I'm soft as heaven to be next to
but I'm hard as hell to hold.

I'll torment you with desire
and put you under my spell-
but don't try to hold too tightly
cause I'll drag you straight through hell.
I leave a trail of tears in my path,
shattered hearts I leave behind.
I can be as sweet as sugar
or I can make you lose your mind.

So don't go fallin' for a fallen angel-
I don't want to pierce your heart with my horns.
Even the most delicate rose
can hurt you with it's thorns.
Don't let my rusty halo fool you
into thinking I'm good as gold-
I'm soft as heaven to be next to
but I'm hard as hell to hold.

Don't Make Me Fall In Love (A writing experiment...)

Time to clear the brain again! I was doing good on the writing each night for a few days but I slipped again. I just mixed up a cake and have it in the oven for 40 minutes, so I'm gonna take this time to spill out some thoughts in font. My buddy Jason Sheffield gave me a few key phrases to build on and so I think I'm gonna experiment with that. I'm gonna try to throw a few in, hopefully all if my brain will let me! Let's see where it takes me! (Again, thanks Jason!)

The key phrases:
* Looking forward to the past
* Hitchhiking in a ghost town
* Dont make me fall in love
* Six feet under but climbing
* I'm not a sex toy
* Seeing in the dark

(okay, after a few minutes of deliberating, I don't believe I can do it with all of them at once. BUT I am going to allow the ideas to sink in and see what I come up with!)


Don't Make Me Fall In Love
© Meesa Caudill


Don't look at me
as if
I'm the only one in the room
if,
in your peripherals,
you're checking out
that girls
ass.
Don't speak to me
in that soft tone,
telling me your
secrets,
dreams,
and fears
if all you're doing
is trying
to convince me
to
fuck you.
Don't make me laugh
by being
charming
and witty
if the joke turns out
to be
on me.
Don't caress my skin
as if it's made of
priceless silk
if your only intentions
are to caress me
into
false intimacy.
Don't tell me I'm beautiful
and that I'm perfect
in your eyes
if you find perfection
in everything
with
tits.
Don't tell me that
you love me if,
in reality,
the only love
you have ever felt
is for
yourself.
Don't convince me
that I'm the only object
of your desires
if you get hard
at the
thought
of one of my
best friends
naked.
Don't fool me
into believing
that you're the perfect man
when my mind
(when logical)
knows there
is no such thing.
Don't make me
fall
in love
with
you.

Dreams of Alabama

Dreams of Alabama
© Meesa Caudill

It's been a long time since she's seen him-
since she wanted so badly for him to stay-
she lets her mind drift back a few years
to that warm, breezy night in May.
He was the only one she could see
in the bar's soft neon glow,
the world disappeared, no one else existed-
and for the night time moved so slow.
Such a short time she spent with him
but it made her want forever-
she never believed in love at first sight
until their precious time together.

She dreamed of Alabama starry nights
while lying in his embrace.
For just one night she imagined her life
surrounded by Southern grace.
Now her mind drifts off to Alabama-
but her memories have begun to fade,
life could have been so perfect
if her Alabama would have stayed.

It's been years since she's seen his face
and his dark chocolate brown eyes.
She gets a message that hes looking for her
and she begins to feel the butterflies.
The years apart have made her a cynic
so she puts the butterflies to rest,
but she can't stop the longing in her soul
and that aching in her chest.
She finds herself getting lost in daydreams,
trying to remember his dimpled grin.
Her thoughts get lost in Alabama
and she imagines what could have been.

She dreams of Alabama starry nights
and again lying in his embrace.
For just one more night she'll imagine her life
surrounded by Southern grace.
Now her mind drifts off to Alabama-
but her memories have begun to fade,
life could have been so perfect
if her Alabama would have stayed.

Me Bein' Dirty (hahaha!)

There you are standin' in front of me
looking so incredible...
you look and smell and taste so good
I wonder if you're edible.
Lick you like a lollipop?
Lil' Wayne, get it right-
I wanna suck on you like a popsicle-
don't worry, baby, I don't bite.
Well.. not unless you like that sort of thing-
if so, I'll start to nibble...
I'll work my way all over your body,
until you start to tremble.
I'll lick you up and down
until you can't take it anymore-
then you can have your way with me-
on the bed, the counter, the floor.
I like it how you like, baby-
just tell me what you need...
doesn't matter, fast and hard
or keep it slow and sweet.
We can go all night or just for a while-
who's keepin' track of time?
Don't think about anything else, boy,
cause tonight you're all mine.
I wanna be your porn superstar,
fulfill all your fantasies...
use that power that you possess
and bring out the lil' devil in me.

You're My Karma... For You

I've always heard that Karma's a bitch
and I've learned that the hard way so many times...
so you would think I would have known better
than to commit anymore karmic crimes.
But then that summer night you looked my way
and I wasn't sure why, but I knew it was wrong...
but the feel of your body dancing against mine
made me want time to stop to a never ending song.
The smell of your clothes, the heat of your skin,
your strong arms around me all night...
there was something about you that made me cautious
and yet the butterflies still took flight.
I tried so hard to turn you down
but your magnetism was too strong to resist...
and I knew I was wrong but I was hooked-
addicted upon first kiss.
So now you're my weakness, you're my addiction,
you're my pain... I have to make it through.
You're my payback- my heart is the fee ,
you're my karma for falling for you.

Questioning Life

Who am I?
What do I want out of life?
What do I expect from love?
What do I expect from myself?

The questions that all of us have asked ourselves throughout our lives... mostly still unanswered. Does anyone ever have the answers? From what I see- the majority of the population struggles with that inner battle of the heart and mind, wandering the world searching for hints, signs as to what they want, who they are. Most of the time when we get what we think we want, we still wonder. When does the questioning end and the enjoyment of life begin?

Who am I?
I am a walking contradiction. I am the girl next door, yet can be quite a diva when things don't seem to be going my way. I am sweet as sugar, but pretty sour when crossed. I am affectionate and loving but need space. I am independent but still needy. I am proud and strong but on the inside I am still the little girl crying for help. I am 'one of the boys' but still cry at chick flicks and crave the fairytale romance. I am a cynic yet still gullible. I trust no one but I still have that blind faith that all humans are good. I am an optimistic pessimist, I expect the worst but still hope for the best. I am a whirlwind of emotion but can come across as a cold-hearted bitch. I fit no definition, I fall into more than one stereotype. There is no solid answer of who I am- yet I just wrote it. How do you see me? How do you see yourself?

What do I want out of life?
I want simplicity, comfort, love, happiness, and fun. I want a real, deep, committed, unconditional relationship. I want to have a successful marriage one day. I want a family. I want the "American dream". I want to be financially comfortable. I want to travel. I want to see things that inspire me and leave me in awe. I want to be respected and to finally be rid of the 'white trash' shadow that has haunted me my whole life. I want to be known. I want to live each day as if it were my last and I want the resources that allow me to do that. I want to stop feeling caged- to no longer be trapped in this town, in this apartment, in this life. I want to love. I want to live. I want to love living!

What do I expect from love?
Again- my expectations are a contradiction. I try to not expect anything yet I always hope for that fairytale. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to feel like a woman and not a toy. I want to be worshiped, respected, spoiled, loved. I need romance. I need surprises. I need to have my breath taken away every now and then. I want to be missed when I'm not there. I want to be thought of. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be the girl who makes his eyes light up when I walk into the room. I want to be the one that puts the smile on his face. I want to be treated as if I'm the only woman on the planet. I want it all.

What do I expect from myself?
I keep telling myself I can do better than I am. I tell myself I deserve better than what I get. But on the inside I don't think I truly believe it. I settle for mediocre. Why? Is it because I feel I'm not worthy of the best? I ask myself every day why my life has turned out the way it has. And I know it's because I have not pushed myself to my potential. Yet when I think about trying I'm too scared to put any thoughts into action because I have no faith in myself. I don't think I'm smart enough, or strong enough, or good enough. How do we change self-destructive behavior? Do we have to find the root of it to begin to understand it? Is it possible to change?

There really is no point to this note... I just felt the need to write. So with that I shall end this note with a few quotes.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet



"All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why."
~ James Thurber


"To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution." ~ Joe Cordare


"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau


"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." ~ Alan Watts


"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves." ~ Author Unknown


"Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living." ~ Tom O'Connor


"Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain." ~ Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams


And my favorite- the one that is most inspirational to me right now...
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be." ~ Robert Brault

Passion

A heat Ive never known flows through me,
I feel the flame of lust ignite,
Baby take me in your arms
And make me climb the walls tonight.
Im feeling a little mischievous,
Naughty is my middle name
I want to make you feel alive-
Lets play some grown-up games

I know youre feeling the same way I do-
To hell with morals tonight.
I want you and I know you want me
So why are we putting up a fight?
Lets get raw, lets get dirty
Lets make each other sweat
I want to make you cry my name
make the neighbors want a cigarette.

Bring out the oils, play some slow jams,
Light a candle or two
Tonight lets just forget the world
Its only me and you.
Heartbeat to heartbeat, breath to breath,
The heat of your body on mine-
My legs wrapping around your waist,
Our fingers intertwined.

Lets break down our walls, break down the bed,
break each other in
Lets be deviant, lets be decadent-
To hell with consequence

I know youre feeling the same way I do-
To hell with morals tonight.
I want you and I know you want me
So why are we putting up a fight?
Lets get raw, lets get dirty
Lets make each other sweat
I want to make you cry my name
make the neighbors want a cigarette.
Lets get raw, lets get dirty
Lets make each other sweat
I want to make you cry my name
make the neighbors want a cigarette.....

That Alabama Boy

From across the bar I see him ordering a drink alone...
'Wonder what he's drinking- is it beer or Patron?'
He glances at me with bright smiling eyes-
dark chocolate brown- youthful, yet wise.
He grins at me with a beautiful smile-
I introduce myself, and we talk for a while.
He's from the south- has an accent to make you melt-
he's never been 'up north', lives below the Bible Belt.
A gentleman, of course- set in his Southern ways...
tells me he's only going to be here working for a few days.
My heart drops a bit because I want to know him more-
his favorite color, favorite song, what does he smile and cry for...
He spoke in a voice so syrupy sweet-
his dimples, eyes, and dark hair made my knees get weak.
He was dressed so casual- loose-fitting jeans and a white tee, 
matched with bright white sneaks- a weakness for me.
His tan skin so bronze, his smile so bright-
he was tall, southern and mysterious- causing lust at first sight.
His laugh was contagious, addictive and real...
'Are these butterflies that I'm starting to feel?'
Everyone there disappeared- no one else existed to me...
'Why am I so drawn to this man when I know we could never be?"
I knew nothing about him yet felt like I'd known him forever-
I was hypnotized by his smile, his laugh... he was witty and clever.
He made me dizzy, my world began to spin that night at the bar.
I didn't need any alcohol- this buzz was better by far!
But I also came to realize that the ones that inspire poetry don't last.
They cause a fleeting passion, a deep infatuation, and then they pass.
None of us understand their reason- why we meet those who start the fires-
maybe it's so that we remember the heat that fuels us with desire.
To prepare us for the next real thing that may be just around the bend-
but no matter what, no matter where- the butterflies must end.
I've learned to hate it when a man inspires me to write...
they always end in poetic tragedy- I always lose my knight.
But that southern boy won't be forgotten- I'm glad I got the chance
to meet him while he was here and to catch his smiling glance.