Time to clear the brain again! I was doing good on the writing each night for a few days but I slipped again. I just mixed up a cake and have it in the oven for 40 minutes, so I'm gonna take this time to spill out some thoughts in font. My buddy Jason Sheffield gave me a few key phrases to build on and so I think I'm gonna experiment with that. I'm gonna try to throw a few in, hopefully all if my brain will let me! Let's see where it takes me! (Again, thanks Jason!)
The key phrases:
* Looking forward to the past
* Hitchhiking in a ghost town
* Dont make me fall in love
* Six feet under but climbing
* I'm not a sex toy
* Seeing in the dark
(okay, after a few minutes of deliberating, I don't believe I can do it with all of them at once. BUT I am going to allow the ideas to sink in and see what I come up with!)
Don't Make Me Fall In Love
© Meesa Caudill
Don't look at me
as if
I'm the only one in the room
if,
in your peripherals,
you're checking out
that girls
ass.
Don't speak to me
in that soft tone,
telling me your
secrets,
dreams,
and fears
if all you're doing
is trying
to convince me
to
fuck you.
Don't make me laugh
by being
charming
and witty
if the joke turns out
to be
on me.
Don't caress my skin
as if it's made of
priceless silk
if your only intentions
are to caress me
into
false intimacy.
Don't tell me I'm beautiful
and that I'm perfect
in your eyes
if you find perfection
in everything
with
tits.
Don't tell me that
you love me if,
in reality,
the only love
you have ever felt
is for
yourself.
Don't convince me
that I'm the only object
of your desires
if you get hard
at the
thought
of one of my
best friends
naked.
Don't fool me
into believing
that you're the perfect man
when my mind
(when logical)
knows there
is no such thing.
Don't make me
fall
in love
with
you.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sleepy thoughts...
Sleepy Thoughts
© Meesa Caudill
Echos of memories
thunder through my head-
lyrics of sad songs
fill my thoughts in this bed.
These lonely, empty rooms
occupied only with ghosts from the past-
they're the only company I keep,
the only relationships that last.
Haunted always by yesterday,
full of fear of tomorrow-
pillows damp with tears,
soaked in all my sorrows.
Prayers answered strangely
but never how they were prayed-
I'll go on reminding myself
that God works in His own way.
So for now the sad songs keep playing
as I lie alone in bed,
praying for the echos to be silenced
and for the thunder to stop in my head.
© Meesa Caudill
Echos of memories
thunder through my head-
lyrics of sad songs
fill my thoughts in this bed.
These lonely, empty rooms
occupied only with ghosts from the past-
they're the only company I keep,
the only relationships that last.
Haunted always by yesterday,
full of fear of tomorrow-
pillows damp with tears,
soaked in all my sorrows.
Prayers answered strangely
but never how they were prayed-
I'll go on reminding myself
that God works in His own way.
So for now the sad songs keep playing
as I lie alone in bed,
praying for the echos to be silenced
and for the thunder to stop in my head.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Run Away
Run Away
© Meesa Caudill
Run away, little girl,
run from your fears.
Run from your past,
run from your tears.
Run from the pain
that rips at your soul,
run from the regrets
of mistakes long ago.
Run away from love
so your heart won't break.
Run away from committment-
if you don't give, they can't take.
Run away from God-
He's taken so much from you.
Run away from the demons
that always show through.
Run away from everyone
that tries to get too close.
Run away from the ones
that love you the most.
Run away from it all,
keep running forward.
But stop to ask yourself-
what are you running toward?
© Meesa Caudill
Run away, little girl,
run from your fears.
Run from your past,
run from your tears.
Run from the pain
that rips at your soul,
run from the regrets
of mistakes long ago.
Run away from love
so your heart won't break.
Run away from committment-
if you don't give, they can't take.
Run away from God-
He's taken so much from you.
Run away from the demons
that always show through.
Run away from everyone
that tries to get too close.
Run away from the ones
that love you the most.
Run away from it all,
keep running forward.
But stop to ask yourself-
what are you running toward?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thunderstorm of You
Thunderstorm of You
© Meesa Caudill
My life was like a cloud-free day,
not a drop of rain in sight.
The air was crisp, the beginning of fall-
a perfect autumn night.
With just one glance you were there,
no warning, no alarm.
Like a funnel cloud to a storm chaser
I was entranced by your charm.
Our first days together were sunny and bright,
a few rainbows here and there.
And suddenly there was a dark cloud,
a heaviness in the air.
I had my days in the sun
and then the clouds came rollin' in.
I didn't heed the warning
when the thundering began.
My heart was struck by lightening,
there was a flash, and we were through.
How in the world does a girl survive
the thunderstorm of you?
The tears poured down like torrential rain,
your voice so loud, so full of thunder.
No flash flood warning to save me this time-
I felt myself go under.
Our angry words were hailing down,
striking our souls to the core.
I tried to run, tried to hide-
needed shelter from the storm.
So now I wait while it passes,
praying for crisp air and clear skies.
Hoping I no longer see
the dark clouds in your eyes.
I had my days in the sun
and then the clouds came rollin' in.
I didn't heed the warning
when the thundering began.
My heart was struck by lightening,
there was a flash, and we were through.
How in the world does a girl survive
the thunderstorm of you?
© Meesa Caudill
My life was like a cloud-free day,
not a drop of rain in sight.
The air was crisp, the beginning of fall-
a perfect autumn night.
With just one glance you were there,
no warning, no alarm.
Like a funnel cloud to a storm chaser
I was entranced by your charm.
Our first days together were sunny and bright,
a few rainbows here and there.
And suddenly there was a dark cloud,
a heaviness in the air.
I had my days in the sun
and then the clouds came rollin' in.
I didn't heed the warning
when the thundering began.
My heart was struck by lightening,
there was a flash, and we were through.
How in the world does a girl survive
the thunderstorm of you?
The tears poured down like torrential rain,
your voice so loud, so full of thunder.
No flash flood warning to save me this time-
I felt myself go under.
Our angry words were hailing down,
striking our souls to the core.
I tried to run, tried to hide-
needed shelter from the storm.
So now I wait while it passes,
praying for crisp air and clear skies.
Hoping I no longer see
the dark clouds in your eyes.
I had my days in the sun
and then the clouds came rollin' in.
I didn't heed the warning
when the thundering began.
My heart was struck by lightening,
there was a flash, and we were through.
How in the world does a girl survive
the thunderstorm of you?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
4 years, 6 months, 3 days...
Not one day has passed, not ONE, that I haven't thought about my dad.
Not one week has passed that I haven't had at least one dream with him in it, be it a nightmare or bittersweet.
And not one moment goes by that I don't wish with everything in my still-broken heart that he was still here.
It's been four and a half years now. The pain is more tolerable now, or at least I've learned to live in denial like a pro. It still hurts though, even if it doesn't feel like it's killing me. It's only unbearable when I really allow myself to think about the details. I don't do that very often. I still hear that I need professional help to deal with it, even though it's been so long now. And a few months ago I finally allowed myself to admit that those who have told me that are right.
Often times, before I write one of my notes, blogs, or statuses about him or my son, I wonder if people are sick of reading about it. I don't understand why I even care. So many times throughout my days, I walk around with a smile on my face or trying to make jokes in order to make everyone around me feel good. I try not to show my true emotions because I know most people don't know what to say and it makes them uncomfortable.
So many times I've wondered what he was thinking in the split second before he pulled that trigger. I know he was arguing with his mother about my mom. Was he angry? Was he hurt? Or was he just so sick of the bullshit that he just didn't care anymore? Did he think about me? Did he think about what he was doing to my mom, my sister, his grandchildren? Why didn't he leave us a note? He knew he was going to do it. Why didn't he call?
And so many times I get angry with everyone. I'm angry at almost his entire family. I would go through and list everyone and my reasoning behind it but I won't allow myself to do that. I'll wait until I can afford a shrink to go through my list one-by-one. All I can say is that I hope each of them feel the pain I do, tenfold, every day. No matter how much I love them, I blame them for my dad not being here. I know that a psychiatrist will assure me that I'm just fucked in the head and there's no one to blame but him, but I will always see things differently.
I wonder who will walk me down the aisle if I ever get married again. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to without him. He always said he wouldn't "give me away" twice. Guess he wasn't lying.
If I ever have another child, he won't be here. He left when I was pregnant with my son and that kills me. Didn't he even want to meet him if I had made it to full term? Did he think we'd be better off without him???
Although it's been over four years, the pain has become more tolerable but the questions remain. And the anger... the anger sometimes sears through me, so much so that I feel like I could burst into flames.
I am angry at the world.
If I ever have another child, he won't be here. He left when I was pregnant with my son and that kills me. Didn't he even want to meet him if I had made it to full term? Did he think we'd be better off without him???
Although it's been over four years, the pain has become more tolerable but the questions remain. And the anger... the anger sometimes sears through me, so much so that I feel like I could burst into flames.
I am angry at the world.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Liar, Liar
Liar, Liar
© Meesa Caudill
Liar, liar
your tongue's on fire
from telling all those fibs.
Liar, liar
you're such a crier
when I find out what you did.
"Baby, please believe me!" you say
as the lies roll off your tongue.
You carry the burden of all your stories,
I bet they weigh a ton!
Go find someone to believe your bull
and the venom that you spew.
There's no emotion left in my heart,
no more trust for you.
Liar, liar
your tongue's on fire
from telling all those fibs.
Liar, liar
you're such a crier
when I find out what you did.
You tell me that she's just a friend
so why are her pictures in your phone?
I don't need a liar in my life...
I'm better off alone.
She calls you on the weekend
late at night when we're apart.
You tell me she means nothing to you
but I know better in my heart.
So take your lies, and go to her-
maybe she'll believe your stories are true.
But as for me, I'm done with the drama,
and I'm done with you.
© Meesa Caudill
Liar, liar
your tongue's on fire
from telling all those fibs.
Liar, liar
you're such a crier
when I find out what you did.
"Baby, please believe me!" you say
as the lies roll off your tongue.
You carry the burden of all your stories,
I bet they weigh a ton!
Go find someone to believe your bull
and the venom that you spew.
There's no emotion left in my heart,
no more trust for you.
Liar, liar
your tongue's on fire
from telling all those fibs.
Liar, liar
you're such a crier
when I find out what you did.
You tell me that she's just a friend
so why are her pictures in your phone?
I don't need a liar in my life...
I'm better off alone.
She calls you on the weekend
late at night when we're apart.
You tell me she means nothing to you
but I know better in my heart.
So take your lies, and go to her-
maybe she'll believe your stories are true.
But as for me, I'm done with the drama,
and I'm done with you.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Growing Up and Saying Goodbye
"“Doing all the little tricky things it takes to grow up, step by step, into an anxious and unsettling world.” ~ Sylvia Plath
And I'm left wondering, yet again, about what happens to the human soul once we are breathing no more.Do we get to witness our own funeral and burial before going off into the unknown? Do we 'rest' and await judgment day? Do we immediately go to the gates of Heaven and meet the ever-so-famous St. Peter? Do we get to meet God at the moment we take our last breath? Is there a God? What's He like? Is He the mean, punishing God that we read about in the First Testament of the Bible, or the forgiving, loving, understanding God that the New Testament portrays?
For the rest of my life I will remember those who've passed on as forever young. They will never have to deal with getting old, losing more loved ones, disease, tragedy, the aches and pains each passing year brings our bodies. They will remain the age they were at their last breath for eternity. I may cry because I miss their presence but I do not cry for the dead. I cry for those of us they left behind to mourn, to grieve. I cry for those that are hurting and not sure where to go from here. I cry for those who will miss out on cherished memories they could have had with those that have passed. I cry for the babies who will miss their daddies. I cry for those little girls who will never have their daddy there to walk them down the aisle when they get married. I cry for the mothers they left behind that ache to hold their children just one last time. I cry for the friends and loved ones who will no longer be blessed by the presence of those we hold so dear.
In memory of those lost along the way... may they always stay forever young.
There are so many more that I'm sure I'm forgetting. Please let me know if there are any I should add.
May they rest in peace and God bless their souls.
"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." ~ George S. Patton, Jr.
I just went to the visitation of a man I went to middle school with. He was the husband of my best friend from my teenage years. He was murdered five days ago. Tomorrow I will go to his funeral, pay my respects, and say goodbye.
What happened to the adults we were supposed to be when we were younger? None of us were supposed to die before we were 80. We were all supposed to be rich and successful. We were all supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to be healthy and happy until our silver years.
So many people from my yearbooks are gone. Taken away by death. And so many of those who are still breathing have been taken away by drugs. So many who will never have children. So many who will never see the children they do have grow up. So many who will never know their full potential, or what could have been. So many who have let their lives go because of that buzz, that warmth of the drugs that invade their systems, that money that comes with selling those pills, weed, crack, etc. When we were kids, we were all gonna be rock stars. We were supposed to be doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, the first woman president...
Now there are so many who are buried, behind bars of a jail or prison, or trapped by addictions. So many of us that didn't come to meet our full potential. So many of us are lost in dreams of what might have been had we taken the road that we were 'supposed' to.
Now I sit here wondering what happened to those youngsters who dreamed of fame, fortune, and success. I wonder at what point did we give up and give in to the people we became. I wonder when the moment was that we realized that those dreams were just us grasping at a reality that was just impossible so we became who we are today.
What happened to the adults we were supposed to be when we were younger? None of us were supposed to die before we were 80. We were all supposed to be rich and successful. We were all supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to be healthy and happy until our silver years.
So many people from my yearbooks are gone. Taken away by death. And so many of those who are still breathing have been taken away by drugs. So many who will never have children. So many who will never see the children they do have grow up. So many who will never know their full potential, or what could have been. So many who have let their lives go because of that buzz, that warmth of the drugs that invade their systems, that money that comes with selling those pills, weed, crack, etc. When we were kids, we were all gonna be rock stars. We were supposed to be doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, the first woman president...
Now there are so many who are buried, behind bars of a jail or prison, or trapped by addictions. So many of us that didn't come to meet our full potential. So many of us are lost in dreams of what might have been had we taken the road that we were 'supposed' to.
Now I sit here wondering what happened to those youngsters who dreamed of fame, fortune, and success. I wonder at what point did we give up and give in to the people we became. I wonder when the moment was that we realized that those dreams were just us grasping at a reality that was just impossible so we became who we are today.
And I'm left wondering, yet again, about what happens to the human soul once we are breathing no more.Do we get to witness our own funeral and burial before going off into the unknown? Do we 'rest' and await judgment day? Do we immediately go to the gates of Heaven and meet the ever-so-famous St. Peter? Do we get to meet God at the moment we take our last breath? Is there a God? What's He like? Is He the mean, punishing God that we read about in the First Testament of the Bible, or the forgiving, loving, understanding God that the New Testament portrays?
For the rest of my life I will remember those who've passed on as forever young. They will never have to deal with getting old, losing more loved ones, disease, tragedy, the aches and pains each passing year brings our bodies. They will remain the age they were at their last breath for eternity. I may cry because I miss their presence but I do not cry for the dead. I cry for those of us they left behind to mourn, to grieve. I cry for those that are hurting and not sure where to go from here. I cry for those who will miss out on cherished memories they could have had with those that have passed. I cry for the babies who will miss their daddies. I cry for those little girls who will never have their daddy there to walk them down the aisle when they get married. I cry for the mothers they left behind that ache to hold their children just one last time. I cry for the friends and loved ones who will no longer be blessed by the presence of those we hold so dear.
In memory of those lost along the way... may they always stay forever young.
Lee Adams - 12-6-1992
Tedman "Ted" Allan Birchum - 16 years old - 8-20-1993
Tedman "Ted" Allan Birchum - 16 years old - 8-20-1993
Jay Chappell - 16 years old - 5-17-1994
Brandon Odom - 16 years old - 5-17-1994
Brad Johnson - 15/16 years old - 1995
Ike Davis - 18 years old - 4-20-1999
Aaron Mills - 22 years old - 4-20-1999
Shane Kimberling - age?
Shane McCormick - 31 years old - 7-10-1999
Laura Webb - age?
Richard Quesenberry - 8-16-2008
Brian Smith - 2010
Rocky Adams - 33 - 1-4-2011
There are so many more that I'm sure I'm forgetting. Please let me know if there are any I should add.
May they rest in peace and God bless their souls.
"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." ~ George S. Patton, Jr.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
I Knew Better
I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
I shouldn't let you linger in my head
or be inspired to write songs about you...
I shouldn't be haunted by your eyes-
I knew what I was getting myself into.
I knew that you were dangerous-
I told you that from the start...
I didn't want you to touch me
for fear of you ripping out my heart.
Yet I ignored my instincts
and told myself you were 'just fun'-
I've tried so many times to quit you
but there's nowhere for me to run.
I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
Punish me, I deserve it-
tear out my heart, you know you're going to.
I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
Each time you come back tempting me
and I can't tell you no-
you know how to get inside my brain...
now you're invading my soul.
When you're not here I think of you-
when you're here I don't want you to leave...
I'm so stupid for letting you get to me-
how could I have been so naive???
And how can you be so cruel to me
to let this carry on-
knowing that I can't let you go
yet, in the morning you'll be gone.
So go ahead, tear out my heart-
we both know you're going to...
I expect the pain, I expect the tears-
my punishment for falling for you.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
I shouldn't let you linger in my head
or be inspired to write songs about you...
I shouldn't be haunted by your eyes-
I knew what I was getting myself into.
I knew that you were dangerous-
I told you that from the start...
I didn't want you to touch me
for fear of you ripping out my heart.
Yet I ignored my instincts
and told myself you were 'just fun'-
I've tried so many times to quit you
but there's nowhere for me to run.
I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
Punish me, I deserve it-
tear out my heart, you know you're going to.
I knew better.
I should have known better.
You'd think I'd know better
than to go falling for you.
Each time you come back tempting me
and I can't tell you no-
you know how to get inside my brain...
now you're invading my soul.
When you're not here I think of you-
when you're here I don't want you to leave...
I'm so stupid for letting you get to me-
how could I have been so naive???
And how can you be so cruel to me
to let this carry on-
knowing that I can't let you go
yet, in the morning you'll be gone.
So go ahead, tear out my heart-
we both know you're going to...
I expect the pain, I expect the tears-
my punishment for falling for you.
Gypsy Thoughts
My gypsy soul is getting restless-
I've been in a coma for thirty-one years.
My heart longs to get out of this town-
forget the past, the pain, the tears.
Let's follow some railroad tracks
just to see where they go.
Let's get into my car and drive non-stop
listening to the radio and the wind blow.
We don't need a suitcase
some duffle bags will have to do-
let's pack some stuff and get out of this state,
leaving behind all we've been through.
Maybe we could hop on a Greyhound bus
choosing our destination with a dart-
follow the lines drawn out on a map...
follow our dreams, and our hearts.
Let's get out of here and find ourselves
somewhere outside of this big little town-
let fate and destiny be our guide,
and stop letting our fears hold us down...
Come on, baby, run away with me-
let's make our own place in this world.
Say you'll be my gypsy man-
and run away with this gypsy girl.
I've been in a coma for thirty-one years.
My heart longs to get out of this town-
forget the past, the pain, the tears.
Let's follow some railroad tracks
just to see where they go.
Let's get into my car and drive non-stop
listening to the radio and the wind blow.
We don't need a suitcase
some duffle bags will have to do-
let's pack some stuff and get out of this state,
leaving behind all we've been through.
Maybe we could hop on a Greyhound bus
choosing our destination with a dart-
follow the lines drawn out on a map...
follow our dreams, and our hearts.
Let's get out of here and find ourselves
somewhere outside of this big little town-
let fate and destiny be our guide,
and stop letting our fears hold us down...
Come on, baby, run away with me-
let's make our own place in this world.
Say you'll be my gypsy man-
and run away with this gypsy girl.
Caged Bird Singing
Trapped.
Confined.
Suffocated.
Imprisoned.
Caged.
Do you ever get the urge to just run away from everything? To just sell or throw away everything you own and take off in whichever direction you choose just to see where the road goes?
I want to run away. Run away from this dead-end job. Run away from the boredom of Lexington. Run away from the norm. Run away from the things that haunt me. Run away from this life and start a new one.
I've been wracking my brain for what seems like forever- trying to figure out what is missing from my life and how to turn my life into what I want it to be. No conclusions have been come to and I'm still at a loss. I still have no idea where I want to be and what I want to be doing with my life. I'll be 31 years old in two weeks and I have nothing to show for my time on this planet. No family. No career. No adventures. I have been walking around like a zombie since I came into this world and I yearn to LIVE.
How do you do that when you're flat broke and drive a piece of shit car that you can't even depend on to take you across town? Does being poor confine us to a life of dreary days with nothing to look forward to? Whether I live the life of a gypsy for six months or not- I know one thing... I've got to do something, anything, before I lose my mind.
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Maya Angelou
"The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."
Confined.
Suffocated.
Imprisoned.
Caged.
Do you ever get the urge to just run away from everything? To just sell or throw away everything you own and take off in whichever direction you choose just to see where the road goes?
I want to run away. Run away from this dead-end job. Run away from the boredom of Lexington. Run away from the norm. Run away from the things that haunt me. Run away from this life and start a new one.
I've been wracking my brain for what seems like forever- trying to figure out what is missing from my life and how to turn my life into what I want it to be. No conclusions have been come to and I'm still at a loss. I still have no idea where I want to be and what I want to be doing with my life. I'll be 31 years old in two weeks and I have nothing to show for my time on this planet. No family. No career. No adventures. I have been walking around like a zombie since I came into this world and I yearn to LIVE.
How do you do that when you're flat broke and drive a piece of shit car that you can't even depend on to take you across town? Does being poor confine us to a life of dreary days with nothing to look forward to? Whether I live the life of a gypsy for six months or not- I know one thing... I've got to do something, anything, before I lose my mind.
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Maya Angelou
"The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."
Questioning Life
Who am I?
What do I want out of life?
What do I expect from love?
What do I expect from myself?
The questions that all of us have asked ourselves throughout our lives... mostly still unanswered. Does anyone ever have the answers? From what I see- the majority of the population struggles with that inner battle of the heart and mind, wandering the world searching for hints, signs as to what they want, who they are. Most of the time when we get what we think we want, we still wonder. When does the questioning end and the enjoyment of life begin?
Who am I?
I am a walking contradiction. I am the girl next door, yet can be quite a diva when things don't seem to be going my way. I am sweet as sugar, but pretty sour when crossed. I am affectionate and loving but need space. I am independent but still needy. I am proud and strong but on the inside I am still the little girl crying for help. I am 'one of the boys' but still cry at chick flicks and crave the fairytale romance. I am a cynic yet still gullible. I trust no one but I still have that blind faith that all humans are good. I am an optimistic pessimist, I expect the worst but still hope for the best. I am a whirlwind of emotion but can come across as a cold-hearted bitch. I fit no definition, I fall into more than one stereotype. There is no solid answer of who I am- yet I just wrote it. How do you see me? How do you see yourself?
What do I want out of life?
I want simplicity, comfort, love, happiness, and fun. I want a real, deep, committed, unconditional relationship. I want to have a successful marriage one day. I want a family. I want the "American dream". I want to be financially comfortable. I want to travel. I want to see things that inspire me and leave me in awe. I want to be respected and to finally be rid of the 'white trash' shadow that has haunted me my whole life. I want to be known. I want to live each day as if it were my last and I want the resources that allow me to do that. I want to stop feeling caged- to no longer be trapped in this town, in this apartment, in this life. I want to love. I want to live. I want to love living!
What do I expect from love?
Again- my expectations are a contradiction. I try to not expect anything yet I always hope for that fairytale. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to feel like a woman and not a toy. I want to be worshiped, respected, spoiled, loved. I need romance. I need surprises. I need to have my breath taken away every now and then. I want to be missed when I'm not there. I want to be thought of. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be the girl who makes his eyes light up when I walk into the room. I want to be the one that puts the smile on his face. I want to be treated as if I'm the only woman on the planet. I want it all.
What do I expect from myself?
I keep telling myself I can do better than I am. I tell myself I deserve better than what I get. But on the inside I don't think I truly believe it. I settle for mediocre. Why? Is it because I feel I'm not worthy of the best? I ask myself every day why my life has turned out the way it has. And I know it's because I have not pushed myself to my potential. Yet when I think about trying I'm too scared to put any thoughts into action because I have no faith in myself. I don't think I'm smart enough, or strong enough, or good enough. How do we change self-destructive behavior? Do we have to find the root of it to begin to understand it? Is it possible to change?
There really is no point to this note... I just felt the need to write. So with that I shall end this note with a few quotes.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
"All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why."
~ James Thurber
"To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution." ~ Joe Cordare
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." ~ Alan Watts
"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves." ~ Author Unknown
"Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living." ~ Tom O'Connor
"Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain." ~ Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
And my favorite- the one that is most inspirational to me right now...
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be." ~ Robert Brault
What do I want out of life?
What do I expect from love?
What do I expect from myself?
The questions that all of us have asked ourselves throughout our lives... mostly still unanswered. Does anyone ever have the answers? From what I see- the majority of the population struggles with that inner battle of the heart and mind, wandering the world searching for hints, signs as to what they want, who they are. Most of the time when we get what we think we want, we still wonder. When does the questioning end and the enjoyment of life begin?
Who am I?
I am a walking contradiction. I am the girl next door, yet can be quite a diva when things don't seem to be going my way. I am sweet as sugar, but pretty sour when crossed. I am affectionate and loving but need space. I am independent but still needy. I am proud and strong but on the inside I am still the little girl crying for help. I am 'one of the boys' but still cry at chick flicks and crave the fairytale romance. I am a cynic yet still gullible. I trust no one but I still have that blind faith that all humans are good. I am an optimistic pessimist, I expect the worst but still hope for the best. I am a whirlwind of emotion but can come across as a cold-hearted bitch. I fit no definition, I fall into more than one stereotype. There is no solid answer of who I am- yet I just wrote it. How do you see me? How do you see yourself?
What do I want out of life?
I want simplicity, comfort, love, happiness, and fun. I want a real, deep, committed, unconditional relationship. I want to have a successful marriage one day. I want a family. I want the "American dream". I want to be financially comfortable. I want to travel. I want to see things that inspire me and leave me in awe. I want to be respected and to finally be rid of the 'white trash' shadow that has haunted me my whole life. I want to be known. I want to live each day as if it were my last and I want the resources that allow me to do that. I want to stop feeling caged- to no longer be trapped in this town, in this apartment, in this life. I want to love. I want to live. I want to love living!
What do I expect from love?
Again- my expectations are a contradiction. I try to not expect anything yet I always hope for that fairytale. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to feel like a woman and not a toy. I want to be worshiped, respected, spoiled, loved. I need romance. I need surprises. I need to have my breath taken away every now and then. I want to be missed when I'm not there. I want to be thought of. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be the girl who makes his eyes light up when I walk into the room. I want to be the one that puts the smile on his face. I want to be treated as if I'm the only woman on the planet. I want it all.
What do I expect from myself?
I keep telling myself I can do better than I am. I tell myself I deserve better than what I get. But on the inside I don't think I truly believe it. I settle for mediocre. Why? Is it because I feel I'm not worthy of the best? I ask myself every day why my life has turned out the way it has. And I know it's because I have not pushed myself to my potential. Yet when I think about trying I'm too scared to put any thoughts into action because I have no faith in myself. I don't think I'm smart enough, or strong enough, or good enough. How do we change self-destructive behavior? Do we have to find the root of it to begin to understand it? Is it possible to change?
There really is no point to this note... I just felt the need to write. So with that I shall end this note with a few quotes.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
"All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why."
~ James Thurber
"To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution." ~ Joe Cordare
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." ~ Alan Watts
"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves." ~ Author Unknown
"Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living." ~ Tom O'Connor
"Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain." ~ Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
And my favorite- the one that is most inspirational to me right now...
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be." ~ Robert Brault
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Writing Is My Therapy, My Soul
Okay, okay... so going to see the sappy, tearjerker Dear John has my head spinning again. My mind is often in a tornadic state but with so much going on from day to day I can rarely figure out one thing to focus on in order to clear it out of my head. From the stress of dealing with work shit to trying to be there for friends and family to just trying to go into zombie mode so that I don't think about things- I rarely ever take the time to think about what the hell is going on with myself other than the stuff that is directly in my view on the day to day.
Doing things like watching a sappy movie suck because they make me do the one thing I hate...cry. But they actually help overall because they make me stop to think about things. Like tonight.
This is a weird week for me anyway. Those of you that know me very well know my thing with 22 and 222. Today was 2-22 and thankfully nothing crazy happened. (Whew!) I still have yet to figure out what significance that has but still weird either way.
I
"It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
This Saturday is the three year anniversary of my dad's suicide. It's so hard to believe it's been 3 years. Tomorrow is the three year mark of the last time I spoke to him. It was my ex's birthday and we were on our way to Olive Garden. I was pregnant and so hungry and my dad called me from my grandmother's house in London. He was talking about going into rehab and asked if I'd come see him if he did. He was being pretty repetitive, as most people are when they're intoxicated. I felt like I was being rude for staying on the phone on my way out for a dinner date with my boyfriend so I was trying to rush him off the phone. He went on and on about how proud he was of me. I remember asking him why because I felt like a complete failure. I didn't have a career- was going through a divorce- and was pregnant by a man who was not my husband. But he insisted he was proud of me anyway and told me about a dream he'd had about his grandchild I was pregnant with at the time. He had had a dream of taking him fishing and said he was definitely going to be a boy and was going to be chubby and be "Papaw's boy". Before we hung up he told me he loved me. I would have never dreamed that that moment would be the last time I would talk to my daddy.
He didn't say anything hinting to what he was going to do and even seemed like he was in a decent mood, but he had made suicidal threats before and I believed that bullshit about "if they threaten it they'll never do it, they just want attention". I found out 4 days later that it's not true. When someone threatens suicide they will do it at some point when they finally reach what they think is more than they can handle. On February 27, 2007 my daddy took his own life in front of his alcoholic mother with a .22 Ruger (there's that fucking number again). I was 14 weeks pregnant. He left no note.
So now, three years later, I sit here with tears running down my face missing my daddy and wondering if there is anything at all I could have said to make him change his mind. Did he feel like we didn't care? Did he think we hated him? Did he think his baby girl was too grown up and didn't need him anymore and that I didn't want to talk to him? Did I break his heart when I rushed him off the phone to go to my oh-so-important dinner date? The path of destruction from a suicide is an unexplainable one. A hole left in the souls of the people left behind that nothing will ever fill and a hurt in me no man will ever come close to healing. And none I have met yet that are brave enough or strong enough to even try.
II
"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can."
— Nicholas Sparks (At First Sight)
February 27th was the end of the world to me. The man I always thought was superhuman showed me that it's not really true when people say God won't put more on you than you can handle. He gave my dad more than he could handle. If it were true that God wouldn't do that then no one would ever feel the need to end their own lives. And just when I thought I couldn't handle anymore my life took an even more tragic turn for the worse.
A few weeks after losing dad my doctor was trying to put me in a better state of mind for the sake of my health and my baby. So she did a 'sneak peek' ultrasound and I found out he was a boy. I was happy about that yet it made me sad because I couldn't call my dad with the great news that he was going to have the grandson he told me he dreamed about. I wanted so bad to pick up the phone and tell him that he was right- but I couldn't. But still, I was happy. I had been trying to decide between a few names and finally decided on Aiden Blaine. I thought it sounded so masculine yet modern and like a hero from a novel. I couldn't wait until my official 20 week ultrasound so that I could record it and show my mom and sister.
My son's father had to work the day of my official ultrasound so my best friend Mel went with me. It was Tuesday, April 10, 2007. Six weeks to the day exactly of when my dad took his life. After waiting for what seemed like forever in the waiting room we finally got called back. They don't do VHS recordings anymore so Mel had my digital camera and was recording the tv screen that the ultrasound was showing on. After a few minutes the tech asked her to stop recording and left the room. What seemed like another eternity passed before the tech came back with the doctor close behind her. Moving the machine around my abdomen again for a few minutes, the doctor got a disturbing look on her face and told me my son no longer had a heartbeat.
My choices were to either wait it out and let nature take its course or be induced and give birth to my baby boy at 20 weeks. I was admitted to the hospital and induced and my sleeping angel was delivered a little after midnight on April 12. His cord was wrapped. They estimated he had already been gone for at least a week so he wasn't even developed to the full 20 weeks yet. They called it a 'miscarriage' instead of a stillbirth so I didn't even get a death certificate or a funeral. It took weeks for him to be buried and for me to find out where. There was no closure. No chance to say goodbye. And the only photos I got are of his hands and feet because when the nurse asked me if I wanted pictures of his face I was too doped up to give it any thought. I was already crushed and this was the final blow.
I went back to work a week after losing my father so tragically and now I was going back to work a week and a half after losing my baby boy. I couldn't afford to take the time off I probably needed. When I went back to work I had an email that said "I know you're going through a lot but this is a crucial time and I need you to be on top of things." Yes, I'm serious.
So not only was I crushed and destroyed but I was angry and didn't even know who to be angry with. I had no time to deal with myself and no time to figure out how to grieve. Sure, I cried. But for the most part I did it when I was alone because no one else wanted to hear me. I was angry to the point of not even being able to be around my mom for a while other than an hour or so at a time because I couldn't deal with her talking about my dad. I couldn't handle her pain because I wasn't even able to handle mine. I felt like my son's father didn't really care and even wondered if he was relieved. Honestly, as time has passed, I've come to realize I was probably right.
What I would give now to hold my son. To know what color his eyes would have been or the color of his hair. To be able to kiss his dimples he would most likely have inherited from me. To be able to hear him say 'ma ma' or 'da da' for the first time. To be able to tuck him in at night. To have the 'boring' life of staying at home to cuddle with my baby boy and watch cartoons. He would be 2 1/2 now and although he'd be in his "terrible two's" and I'd be exhausted I'd give the world to have that chance.
III
"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
Love. Undying, unconditional, real love. Most of us have had it at least once in our lives. And most of us let it go without realizing it until it's too late. We always think the grass is greener on the other side and that there's more to life than what we have at our fingertips. We always want what is beyond our grasp without realizing what we hold in our arms already. There is a part in the movie where John and Savannah are writing to each other looking at the full moon knowing the other is too- and thinking about each other so it's almost like they're together. That part of the movie took me back in time. I had a love like that once. But our 'full moon' were electric poles. (I know it sounds silly but think about it... almost all electric lines in this country are connected.) That love and I would talk on the phone when we were many miles away from each other and each go outside to touch an electric pole at the same time. That way we were connected physically and not just on the phone. We were young but it made perfect sense at the time. And to this day when the thought crosses my mind I still wish I could go touch an electric pole and know that I wasn't alone. At that moment I was home... and God how I miss that feeling.
But now, years later, past loves are happy in their own lives and are creating new memories. As for me... well, I'm not so sure. I've come to the conclusion that I have been going through a rebellious phase of some sort. I've tried to do some soul searching to try to figure out why I've turned out like I have but with no answers. I even question if I will ever be able to truly feel anything for anyone again. That is yet to be determined... I'm still waiting to feel 'home' again. I keep repeating in my head and it's become kind of common in my writings that "Home is where the heart is" and I know that until my heart is healed from whatever it is that keeps it in this state I'm destined to be a wanderer. Until then I'll just remain broken and live each day trying to put myself back together. I just wish I knew a better route than the one I've been taking.
IV
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
I know that the more I think about these things throughout this week and the next few weeks, the more emotional I will get. The slightest things like the weather being the same as the day things happened will spark an anxiety type feeling and possible brief tears. I know that throughout these next few weeks I will carry on and laugh as I always do and possibly not even show if or when something is bothering me. This is why I write. I sit alone in my apartment and can cry if I want to without feeling like I'm burdening anyone with my emotions. I can blog on this note without worrying about what someone is thinking of me and my inability to properly deal with my own issues. I can rant and rave in writing without being interrupted or having to deal with anything else in the world except my own thoughts. There are no pitiful looks of sympathy, no cheap words of how 'everything happens for a reason', and no awkward moments of people not knowing what to say.
This is my therapy.
Psychiatrists? Who needs 'em?
I have a keyboard.
Doing things like watching a sappy movie suck because they make me do the one thing I hate...cry. But they actually help overall because they make me stop to think about things. Like tonight.
This is a weird week for me anyway. Those of you that know me very well know my thing with 22 and 222. Today was 2-22 and thankfully nothing crazy happened. (Whew!) I still have yet to figure out what significance that has but still weird either way.
I
"It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
This Saturday is the three year anniversary of my dad's suicide. It's so hard to believe it's been 3 years. Tomorrow is the three year mark of the last time I spoke to him. It was my ex's birthday and we were on our way to Olive Garden. I was pregnant and so hungry and my dad called me from my grandmother's house in London. He was talking about going into rehab and asked if I'd come see him if he did. He was being pretty repetitive, as most people are when they're intoxicated. I felt like I was being rude for staying on the phone on my way out for a dinner date with my boyfriend so I was trying to rush him off the phone. He went on and on about how proud he was of me. I remember asking him why because I felt like a complete failure. I didn't have a career- was going through a divorce- and was pregnant by a man who was not my husband. But he insisted he was proud of me anyway and told me about a dream he'd had about his grandchild I was pregnant with at the time. He had had a dream of taking him fishing and said he was definitely going to be a boy and was going to be chubby and be "Papaw's boy". Before we hung up he told me he loved me. I would have never dreamed that that moment would be the last time I would talk to my daddy.
He didn't say anything hinting to what he was going to do and even seemed like he was in a decent mood, but he had made suicidal threats before and I believed that bullshit about "if they threaten it they'll never do it, they just want attention". I found out 4 days later that it's not true. When someone threatens suicide they will do it at some point when they finally reach what they think is more than they can handle. On February 27, 2007 my daddy took his own life in front of his alcoholic mother with a .22 Ruger (there's that fucking number again). I was 14 weeks pregnant. He left no note.
So now, three years later, I sit here with tears running down my face missing my daddy and wondering if there is anything at all I could have said to make him change his mind. Did he feel like we didn't care? Did he think we hated him? Did he think his baby girl was too grown up and didn't need him anymore and that I didn't want to talk to him? Did I break his heart when I rushed him off the phone to go to my oh-so-important dinner date? The path of destruction from a suicide is an unexplainable one. A hole left in the souls of the people left behind that nothing will ever fill and a hurt in me no man will ever come close to healing. And none I have met yet that are brave enough or strong enough to even try.
II
"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can."
— Nicholas Sparks (At First Sight)
February 27th was the end of the world to me. The man I always thought was superhuman showed me that it's not really true when people say God won't put more on you than you can handle. He gave my dad more than he could handle. If it were true that God wouldn't do that then no one would ever feel the need to end their own lives. And just when I thought I couldn't handle anymore my life took an even more tragic turn for the worse.
A few weeks after losing dad my doctor was trying to put me in a better state of mind for the sake of my health and my baby. So she did a 'sneak peek' ultrasound and I found out he was a boy. I was happy about that yet it made me sad because I couldn't call my dad with the great news that he was going to have the grandson he told me he dreamed about. I wanted so bad to pick up the phone and tell him that he was right- but I couldn't. But still, I was happy. I had been trying to decide between a few names and finally decided on Aiden Blaine. I thought it sounded so masculine yet modern and like a hero from a novel. I couldn't wait until my official 20 week ultrasound so that I could record it and show my mom and sister.
My son's father had to work the day of my official ultrasound so my best friend Mel went with me. It was Tuesday, April 10, 2007. Six weeks to the day exactly of when my dad took his life. After waiting for what seemed like forever in the waiting room we finally got called back. They don't do VHS recordings anymore so Mel had my digital camera and was recording the tv screen that the ultrasound was showing on. After a few minutes the tech asked her to stop recording and left the room. What seemed like another eternity passed before the tech came back with the doctor close behind her. Moving the machine around my abdomen again for a few minutes, the doctor got a disturbing look on her face and told me my son no longer had a heartbeat.
My choices were to either wait it out and let nature take its course or be induced and give birth to my baby boy at 20 weeks. I was admitted to the hospital and induced and my sleeping angel was delivered a little after midnight on April 12. His cord was wrapped. They estimated he had already been gone for at least a week so he wasn't even developed to the full 20 weeks yet. They called it a 'miscarriage' instead of a stillbirth so I didn't even get a death certificate or a funeral. It took weeks for him to be buried and for me to find out where. There was no closure. No chance to say goodbye. And the only photos I got are of his hands and feet because when the nurse asked me if I wanted pictures of his face I was too doped up to give it any thought. I was already crushed and this was the final blow.
I went back to work a week after losing my father so tragically and now I was going back to work a week and a half after losing my baby boy. I couldn't afford to take the time off I probably needed. When I went back to work I had an email that said "I know you're going through a lot but this is a crucial time and I need you to be on top of things." Yes, I'm serious.
So not only was I crushed and destroyed but I was angry and didn't even know who to be angry with. I had no time to deal with myself and no time to figure out how to grieve. Sure, I cried. But for the most part I did it when I was alone because no one else wanted to hear me. I was angry to the point of not even being able to be around my mom for a while other than an hour or so at a time because I couldn't deal with her talking about my dad. I couldn't handle her pain because I wasn't even able to handle mine. I felt like my son's father didn't really care and even wondered if he was relieved. Honestly, as time has passed, I've come to realize I was probably right.
What I would give now to hold my son. To know what color his eyes would have been or the color of his hair. To be able to kiss his dimples he would most likely have inherited from me. To be able to hear him say 'ma ma' or 'da da' for the first time. To be able to tuck him in at night. To have the 'boring' life of staying at home to cuddle with my baby boy and watch cartoons. He would be 2 1/2 now and although he'd be in his "terrible two's" and I'd be exhausted I'd give the world to have that chance.
III
"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
Love. Undying, unconditional, real love. Most of us have had it at least once in our lives. And most of us let it go without realizing it until it's too late. We always think the grass is greener on the other side and that there's more to life than what we have at our fingertips. We always want what is beyond our grasp without realizing what we hold in our arms already. There is a part in the movie where John and Savannah are writing to each other looking at the full moon knowing the other is too- and thinking about each other so it's almost like they're together. That part of the movie took me back in time. I had a love like that once. But our 'full moon' were electric poles. (I know it sounds silly but think about it... almost all electric lines in this country are connected.) That love and I would talk on the phone when we were many miles away from each other and each go outside to touch an electric pole at the same time. That way we were connected physically and not just on the phone. We were young but it made perfect sense at the time. And to this day when the thought crosses my mind I still wish I could go touch an electric pole and know that I wasn't alone. At that moment I was home... and God how I miss that feeling.
But now, years later, past loves are happy in their own lives and are creating new memories. As for me... well, I'm not so sure. I've come to the conclusion that I have been going through a rebellious phase of some sort. I've tried to do some soul searching to try to figure out why I've turned out like I have but with no answers. I even question if I will ever be able to truly feel anything for anyone again. That is yet to be determined... I'm still waiting to feel 'home' again. I keep repeating in my head and it's become kind of common in my writings that "Home is where the heart is" and I know that until my heart is healed from whatever it is that keeps it in this state I'm destined to be a wanderer. Until then I'll just remain broken and live each day trying to put myself back together. I just wish I knew a better route than the one I've been taking.
IV
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."
— Nicholas Sparks (Dear John)
I know that the more I think about these things throughout this week and the next few weeks, the more emotional I will get. The slightest things like the weather being the same as the day things happened will spark an anxiety type feeling and possible brief tears. I know that throughout these next few weeks I will carry on and laugh as I always do and possibly not even show if or when something is bothering me. This is why I write. I sit alone in my apartment and can cry if I want to without feeling like I'm burdening anyone with my emotions. I can blog on this note without worrying about what someone is thinking of me and my inability to properly deal with my own issues. I can rant and rave in writing without being interrupted or having to deal with anything else in the world except my own thoughts. There are no pitiful looks of sympathy, no cheap words of how 'everything happens for a reason', and no awkward moments of people not knowing what to say.
This is my therapy.
Psychiatrists? Who needs 'em?
I have a keyboard.
Friday, April 6, 2007
A Letter to My Daddy 38 Days After His Suicide
Well Dad, it's been 38 days since you did the unthinkable. 38 days.
38 days of heartache.
38 days of holding back the tears.
38 days of trying to be strong.
38 days of being numb.
38 days of missing you.
Mom, Bobbie, Kourtney, and Gregory are ok. Mom and Bobbie fight more now it seems. I think it's because everyone is so angry and hurt, and none of us know where to direct it or how to deal with it. Me, I'm the same. I hide. I write. I pretend it's not true. It helps sometimes, but then there are times like this morning when I can't hold it in anymore and I break. I try not to, but the tears won't stop.
I found out that you were right, Dad. I'm having a boy. I wonder if he'll have blonde hair and brown eyes like you said. I can hear you now saying "See, you'll learn to listen to your ol' crazy daddy every now and then" and see you with that goofy grin because you'd be happy you're having another grandson. Unfortunately, I can only see and hear that in my heart because you're not here.You were supposed to be here to take him and Gregory fishing. Remember? My son was supposed to be your shadow, supposed to follow Pa-paw around everywhere. REMEMBER??? How can he do that now, Dad? Now he'll never know you. He'll never hear your laugh or see your smile that we all love so much. I wanted him to know you so badly, Dad. Why did you steal that from him? From me? From yourself???
Dammit Dad, you were SUPPOSED to be here! I wanted so badly to run into mom's the day I had my ultrasound and grab you and give you the biggest hug and tell you congrats because you were going to have another grandson to spoil. Your first blood grandchild is going to be a boy. I wanted so badly to see that smile and to see your big brown eyes light up. But I couldn't Dad. I fucking couldn't because you left me. And I can't shake this pain, Dad. I can't make it go away. I can't get rid of this heaviness on my chest. I can't keep smiling at people pretending I'm ok. I don't know how to deal with the way I feel now. I try so hard to be normal but nothing is even fun anymore. I can't call you anymore and tell you about something crazy I saw or did. I just want to call you, Dad.
Mom and I are supposed to come to London this weekend to visit your grave. I don't know how either of us will handle seeing your name on a headstone for the first time. I don't know about Mom, but it's just going to rip me apart even more. I know that on my way down there I'll be subconsciously thinking that we're actually going to see YOU, and then when it's just a piece of marble on the ground bearing your name, it will kill me a little more inside. I don't know if that's a reality I can face yet. Seeing you in a casket was bad enough, but you just looked like you were sleeping so it wasn't that bad. I still saw YOU. But this will hurt more. How do I do it, Dad? How could you have done it? You didn't have to live through your parents dying, they're still here. Why did you leave me to deal with this, Dad?
I can't help but hear your last words to me the last time I talked to you, when you told me you were proud of me. Dammit Dad, why didn't you give me a hint? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you talk to me?!?!?!?! I told you I didn't know why you were proud of me, and now I really don't. I'm a mess, Dad. I wish you were here so I could talk to you, but all I can do is write about it. All I can do is wake up each day and put on a smile and carry on as if everything is ok.
I love you, Dad.
And I miss you more than you could have ever known.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you.
~Hurt- Christina Aguilera~
38 days of heartache.
38 days of holding back the tears.
38 days of trying to be strong.
38 days of being numb.
38 days of missing you.
Mom, Bobbie, Kourtney, and Gregory are ok. Mom and Bobbie fight more now it seems. I think it's because everyone is so angry and hurt, and none of us know where to direct it or how to deal with it. Me, I'm the same. I hide. I write. I pretend it's not true. It helps sometimes, but then there are times like this morning when I can't hold it in anymore and I break. I try not to, but the tears won't stop.
I found out that you were right, Dad. I'm having a boy. I wonder if he'll have blonde hair and brown eyes like you said. I can hear you now saying "See, you'll learn to listen to your ol' crazy daddy every now and then" and see you with that goofy grin because you'd be happy you're having another grandson. Unfortunately, I can only see and hear that in my heart because you're not here.You were supposed to be here to take him and Gregory fishing. Remember? My son was supposed to be your shadow, supposed to follow Pa-paw around everywhere. REMEMBER??? How can he do that now, Dad? Now he'll never know you. He'll never hear your laugh or see your smile that we all love so much. I wanted him to know you so badly, Dad. Why did you steal that from him? From me? From yourself???
Dammit Dad, you were SUPPOSED to be here! I wanted so badly to run into mom's the day I had my ultrasound and grab you and give you the biggest hug and tell you congrats because you were going to have another grandson to spoil. Your first blood grandchild is going to be a boy. I wanted so badly to see that smile and to see your big brown eyes light up. But I couldn't Dad. I fucking couldn't because you left me. And I can't shake this pain, Dad. I can't make it go away. I can't get rid of this heaviness on my chest. I can't keep smiling at people pretending I'm ok. I don't know how to deal with the way I feel now. I try so hard to be normal but nothing is even fun anymore. I can't call you anymore and tell you about something crazy I saw or did. I just want to call you, Dad.
Mom and I are supposed to come to London this weekend to visit your grave. I don't know how either of us will handle seeing your name on a headstone for the first time. I don't know about Mom, but it's just going to rip me apart even more. I know that on my way down there I'll be subconsciously thinking that we're actually going to see YOU, and then when it's just a piece of marble on the ground bearing your name, it will kill me a little more inside. I don't know if that's a reality I can face yet. Seeing you in a casket was bad enough, but you just looked like you were sleeping so it wasn't that bad. I still saw YOU. But this will hurt more. How do I do it, Dad? How could you have done it? You didn't have to live through your parents dying, they're still here. Why did you leave me to deal with this, Dad?
I can't help but hear your last words to me the last time I talked to you, when you told me you were proud of me. Dammit Dad, why didn't you give me a hint? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you talk to me?!?!?!?! I told you I didn't know why you were proud of me, and now I really don't. I'm a mess, Dad. I wish you were here so I could talk to you, but all I can do is write about it. All I can do is wake up each day and put on a smile and carry on as if everything is ok.
I love you, Dad.
And I miss you more than you could have ever known.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you.
~Hurt- Christina Aguilera~
Friday, March 30, 2007
Conversation With A Dead Man
Writing words that cannot be spoken,
trying to heal a heart that’s numb and broken.
Filling a blank page with tears that have been shed,
seeking words to explain the shit in my head.
Nothing but a void left, along with your things.
Your tools, your clothes, and the pain your leaving brings.
Your lunchbag at the house, still contains stale chips,
a can of tuna, and some crackers that will never touch your lips.
Mom will never throw it away, I know. Somehow it comforts her.
Like a sign you’ll be home again, not buried in dirt.
You left us your memories, and so many broken hearts-
I guess you thought it would bring us together, it’s only ripping us apart.
I don’t understand why you deserted us, I know you were in pain,
but if only you would have quit drinking. Your death was in vain.
It serves no purpose, didn’t solve a damn thing.
Only left us hurting, angry, and with no one but you to blame.
Dammit Dad, why’d you leave me??? You knew you could turn to me!
You didn’t even call to say goodbye before you set yourself free.
You left us here with all the "if only’s" and "what if’s"...
didn’t you think about us??? Didn’t you give a shit???
I love you Dad and I fucking miss you, more than you’ll ever know.
I just wish you would’ve given me the chance to tell you before you let us go.
trying to heal a heart that’s numb and broken.
Filling a blank page with tears that have been shed,
seeking words to explain the shit in my head.
Nothing but a void left, along with your things.
Your tools, your clothes, and the pain your leaving brings.
Your lunchbag at the house, still contains stale chips,
a can of tuna, and some crackers that will never touch your lips.
Mom will never throw it away, I know. Somehow it comforts her.
Like a sign you’ll be home again, not buried in dirt.
You left us your memories, and so many broken hearts-
I guess you thought it would bring us together, it’s only ripping us apart.
I don’t understand why you deserted us, I know you were in pain,
but if only you would have quit drinking. Your death was in vain.
It serves no purpose, didn’t solve a damn thing.
Only left us hurting, angry, and with no one but you to blame.
Dammit Dad, why’d you leave me??? You knew you could turn to me!
You didn’t even call to say goodbye before you set yourself free.
You left us here with all the "if only’s" and "what if’s"...
didn’t you think about us??? Didn’t you give a shit???
I love you Dad and I fucking miss you, more than you’ll ever know.
I just wish you would’ve given me the chance to tell you before you let us go.
Friday, March 9, 2007
10 Days After My Dad's Suicide
It's been 10 days since my dad pulled that trigger. And to be honest, I really don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. For the most part, I'm sad- yet numb.
I am sitting here thinking, but not crying... yet, anyways. My friends got me out of the apartment tonight for a dinner at Applebee's. I could tell no one really knew what to say, but that's ok. In these types of situations I'm shitty with words myself so I understand. I didn't really expect anyone to say anything- I'm just glad I have such great friends. And yet I think there was a little bit of surprise that I'm ok. And it surprises me too.
I have so many mixed emotions right now going through my head and my heart that I don't know which one will appear at any given moment. For the most part, during the day when I'm alone or at work, I'm sad yet ok. I don't cry like I thought I would. But when I talk to my mom and all she can talk about is my dad, I get angry. I don't understand that. I get so mad that I want to scream at somebody, punch someone, break something. Then I cry angry tears. When I see a dump truck (my dad drove one), or look at pictures of him, or hear certain songs- I get depressed. I want him to be here. I want to tell him the newest joke I read or tell him what the doctor told me yesterday. I want to talk to him about religion and superstition and politics like we always did. But I can't. But for the most part, I'm ok.
I know that there are stages to accepting death. Especially a suicide. There is disbelief, denial, grieving, and acceptance. Right now I have a mix of all of them. My mom and sister tell me I should go to counseling because they think I'm holding it in. Maybe I am and just don't realize it. But I don't need some whack-job quack that doesn't know me and didn't know my dad telling me what I should feel. I know how to psycho-analyze myself, and I know that I need to "let it out". But how can you let it out when the only way you want to is by getting mad at someone, yet you don't know who to be mad and scream at? There are so many things I blame, yet I can't take out this hurt and anger on any of them. The main one being my dad, then a few others, along with beer, and the doctors who didn't diagnose him correctly or get him the help he needed. I want so badly to tell my dad that he has just hurt me more than anything/anyone else will ever hurt me in my life, that he left me all alone, that he tore my heart out. But he's not here. And I know I have to face that and deal with it.
Maybe I'm just not ready yet.
I am sitting here thinking, but not crying... yet, anyways. My friends got me out of the apartment tonight for a dinner at Applebee's. I could tell no one really knew what to say, but that's ok. In these types of situations I'm shitty with words myself so I understand. I didn't really expect anyone to say anything- I'm just glad I have such great friends. And yet I think there was a little bit of surprise that I'm ok. And it surprises me too.
I have so many mixed emotions right now going through my head and my heart that I don't know which one will appear at any given moment. For the most part, during the day when I'm alone or at work, I'm sad yet ok. I don't cry like I thought I would. But when I talk to my mom and all she can talk about is my dad, I get angry. I don't understand that. I get so mad that I want to scream at somebody, punch someone, break something. Then I cry angry tears. When I see a dump truck (my dad drove one), or look at pictures of him, or hear certain songs- I get depressed. I want him to be here. I want to tell him the newest joke I read or tell him what the doctor told me yesterday. I want to talk to him about religion and superstition and politics like we always did. But I can't. But for the most part, I'm ok.
I know that there are stages to accepting death. Especially a suicide. There is disbelief, denial, grieving, and acceptance. Right now I have a mix of all of them. My mom and sister tell me I should go to counseling because they think I'm holding it in. Maybe I am and just don't realize it. But I don't need some whack-job quack that doesn't know me and didn't know my dad telling me what I should feel. I know how to psycho-analyze myself, and I know that I need to "let it out". But how can you let it out when the only way you want to is by getting mad at someone, yet you don't know who to be mad and scream at? There are so many things I blame, yet I can't take out this hurt and anger on any of them. The main one being my dad, then a few others, along with beer, and the doctors who didn't diagnose him correctly or get him the help he needed. I want so badly to tell my dad that he has just hurt me more than anything/anyone else will ever hurt me in my life, that he left me all alone, that he tore my heart out. But he's not here. And I know I have to face that and deal with it.
Maybe I'm just not ready yet.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
I Wish Words Could Heal (4 days after my dad's suicide)
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace." - Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
I thought that in my 27 years I had already felt true heartache and pain. I thought that losing friends to car accidents and murder was painful. I thought that losing my granny to old age hurt. I thought that going through a divorce was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. Until my daddy took his own life 4 days ago.
I don't know how to write or explain everything that has gone through my mind since I got the phone call Tuesday afternoon. I wish I could.
I wish I could type out everything in my heart and head and that would give me peace and some sort of closure. I wish I could type the pain away. I wish I could tell everyone how bad it hurts and how lost I am and that maybe my written words would save someone's life and family- but I can't.
All I know is that it is the deepest hurt anyone could ever experience. And I don't know how to make it stop. So even though I know it won't bring peace or closure or even help, I am still typing. Just hoping for some sort of release. Maybe a slight relief of this pressure in my heart because if I don't get it out somehow, I'm afraid I might actually implode.
This blog might be long, so I'm not expecting anyone to actually read it. I'm doing this for myself. And maybe, just maybe someone who is thinking of doing the drastic act of suicide will run across this page and it might just change their mind. But if not, at least maybe it will be some sort of therapy for me. So I'm starting from the beginning.
I was about 16 when my dad first started drinking again. I say again because when I was born he was 19 and my mom told him that if he didn't stop drinking and doing drugs, he'd never see me again. So he stopped then. We still don't know exactly why he started back up. Of course when you have an alcoholic father, you blame yourself for their drinking. I've gone through that. I thought that maybe if I hadn't tried to grow up so fast and made him feel so old, he would have never started again. Maybe if I had been a better daughter and had needed less so that he wouldn't have had to work so hard. Maybe if I had begged him to stop sooner, or maybe if I would have gotten through to him somehow. But nothing I or my family did ever got through to him. So many tears were cried, so many times we begged and pleaded for him to just stop. So much pain.
He wasn't an abusive alcoholic by any means. He just drank. If he abused anyone, it was himself. He wouldn't eat. He didn't sleep well. The drinking brought on the "demons" as mom and I called them. What I mean by that is that he "saw things". Maybe he actually could communicate with dead people. Maybe he was paranoid schizophrenic. No one knows but him and God. But regardless, he was exhausted.
The first time my dad threatened suicide I was about 19 and living in my first apartment here in Lexington. He and mom lived in London, and I got a call from my mom that my dad was missing and that she had found a suicide note. So I drove down there as fast as I could to find him and try to stop him, praying the whole time that it wasn't already too late. I got there in time and Corey and I found him waiting on the train tracks. Thank God a train hadn't come since he'd been there and who knows when the next one would have showed up. I talked to him and convinced him that it wasn't worth it. A few months later, I got another phone call. My dad had driven his and mom's Toyota Tercel into a tree as another attempt. The only thing he suffered from it was a bruised up face and a broken nose.
Fast forward a few years to when I was 21 or 22. They had moved to the north end of Lexington in a little white house with gas heat and a gas stove. My mom had come home from being out with a friend of hers and she smelled gas as she was walking up the sidewalk to her front door. Her first thought was my dad so she went next door to call 911. When the paramedics got there, the house was filled with gas and my dad was found passed out with a lit cigarette in his hand. Only God knows how he kept from blowing the place up, but mom and I knew that it must not have been his time to go. So of course this being the third time he had "tried" we assumed that either he wasn't serious or that he was "unbreakable". Little did we know he would actually attempt and be successful at it later on down the road.
My mom got the phone call somewhere around 2 p.m. Tuesday afternoon from the Laurel County Coroner saying that my dad had shot himself in the head and that he was dead. My mom of course thought it was a sick joke. Coroners don't call you on the phone, do they? So my sister got on the phone and cussed the guy out, still thinking it was someone playing a disgusting prank. My sister called me on my cell shortly after. I don't know what time it was. I was in the bathroom at work and my phone rang numerous times. I thought she was maybe going in labor since she's due Sunday. When I answered my sister was crying, telling me I need to come to my moms right away. I asked why and she wouldn't tell me, told me to not ask questions until I got there. I told her I couldn't leave work unless I had a reason so she wanted to talk to my boss. After a few times of trying to convince her to tell me and she wouldn't, I handed my phone over to my boss and my boss just told me to go. I knew it had to be something with my mom or dad, most likely dad due to previous experiences. But I had no idea. I thought maybe he was fighting with my mom or pulling one of his crazy stunts. I never expected to hear that my daddy was dead.
I head to my car and start driving to my moms house. I was about a block away when my Aunt Marie called me asking if I had talked to my mom. I told her I was on the way to her house but no one would tell me what was going on. She said it was my dad and that she had heard he had shot and killed himself. I guess it didn't hit me immediately, I just hung up and kept driving. Pulling into my moms driveway I started crying, praying that it wasn't true. I walked into my moms and my sister and mom were crying and my Aunt Pat and cousin Amy were there. When I walked in I looked at my sister and said "Please tell me what I heard isn't true". All my sister could do was cover her face and cry. I knew at that moment that my daddy was gone. I lost it and dropped to the floor. All I could say was "It's a sick joke. Someone's lying. They're fucking with us!" I couldn't believe it.
My dad had been staying with his mother for almost 2 weeks. He originally went down to London to go into a rehab to help him quit drinking. He was supposed to go there last Wednesday. He changed his mind about going into the hospital but was still going to work on getting his CDL's back because he's a truck driver. He had lost them about 2 years ago because of a DUI. From what my mom has been told, when he did it he was drunk and he had been arguing with his mom.
From the details his mom gave us, she said they were "talking" and he got up to go into the room he had been sleeping in. She thought he was maybe going to lay down. But a few minutes later he walked out with a gun to his head. He was standing about 5 feet away from her and said "Don't worry, I'm taking care of everything". She screamed "Oh God Jimmy, no!" and by the time she stood up, he had already pulled the trigger. When he fell he hit his head on the bar in her kitchen. She said she'll never be able to get the sound of that gun out of her head.
When mom and I got there and were looking through his clothes, praying for a note- my cousin Becky found the case to the gun. It was a 22 Ruger. I always thought 22's were just high powered BB guns and they wouldn't hurt anyone seriously. Guess I thought wrong.
My dad had a hard life. Growing up his mother didn't have much to do with him, he was sent to live with grandparents, uncles, and from stories he's told- pretty much anyone who would have him. The person he credits for raising him was his grandfather- a hardcore Southern Baptist minister. He grew up fighting his way through school, mostly in Indianapolis in a rough area. When he was younger some guys actually ganged up and tried to hang him from a tree. He had an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. He was always coming to their rescue any time they were in trouble. He was the "responsible" one as far as I can remember. Out of his mom, brothers, and sister- he was the only one who wasn't an alcoholic until I was about 16. There are countless memories that I have of his brothers and sister living with us and my dad taking them in when they had no one else to turn to.
When he started drinking, of course his relationship with my mom went downhill. She was strong for many years and stood by him. I don't know of many women who would put up with the things my mom put up with from him. He was her life, and regardless of how much he drank or how much shit he gave her- she was still there. Sometimes not realizing she was an enabler, or even nagging too much- yet still there nonetheless. When no one in his family was there for him, my mom was.
But no matter what- dad couldn't win the battle. The alcohol had too strong of a hold on him. I know he hated it. I know he hated what it made him. I know he hated who he had become. But he couldn't let it go. And eventually, it was going to be the death of him. Whether it would have been cirrhosis or a gun, it was still suicide either way.
My dad was the best man I'll ever know. And if you've met him, probably the best man you'll ever meet. Even when he was drunk, he wanted the people around him to be happy. Even if he was in a bad mood, he'd smile and crack a joke just to get someone else to laugh. He took everyone under his wing as if they were his blood. He loved kids and animals, and I had yet to see a child or animal that didn't love him back. When you met my dad, you instantly loved him. He had the warmest brown eyes and the goofiest grin, and never a bad word about anyone unless they did him wrong. He was never one to be walked on but he was always quick to forgive and to give second, sometimes third or more chances. My dad loved and feared God. He believed in fairness, and earning your way. He hated charity and worked for everything he ever had in life. He was a wonderful father, and even when drinking- a great husband. Yes, he had faults. I am in no way implying he was perfect. But when he wasn't drinking he was probably as close to perfect as a human can get. He was a very respectable man, and sometimes too smart for his own good. But from what I've seen, sometimes the most intelligent and wonderful people are the most tortured by their own minds.
My dad had no idea how much he was loved. He always told my mom that if he ever died he would only have one friend that would show up to his funeral. Well if he could see the funeral home, he was surprised. It was packed. People my mom and I had never met or heard about. So many people crying because they knew a wonderful man was now gone from our lives, and way too soon.
I must admit that I am so mad at him right now that I could scream. If he would have woken up for just 10 minutes, 5 of those would have been be cussing him for leaving me and the other 5 would have been me telling him how much I loved him and begging for him to stay.
I am also so hurt that he would do this to us, to me. He wanted me to have him a grandchild so bad for so many years. He would always say "You're never gonna have me a grandbaby." Well, I finally am and he left me. I don't know how I'm going to do it without him here. He's supposed to be there for me to tell him when I find out if it's a boy or a girl. He wanted a grandson, but even if it's a girl he would have been happy. He's supposed to be at the hospital holding my hand telling me it's worth it and making sure I'm ok. He's supposed to be there to take his grandchild fishing. The last time I talked to him was last Sunday and he told me he had a dream that I had a boy. My son was going to be blonde with brown eyes (like Dad) and chubby. And in my dads dream he was fishing with my little boy and my sisters little boy. How can his dream come true if he's not here???
But the other part of me feels guilty for being so selfish. I know my dad was tortured. I know that my dad was miserable and in pain. And I know that he is finally resting and finally at peace. I should be happy for him that he finally gets the peace and quiet and rest he deserves. He is no longer tortured by demons or alcohol and no longer has to worry about his family.
I always heard that if you commit suicide it's an automatic sentence to Hell. I finally did some research on that, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that. So in that case, if God really is the forgiving and loving God I was raised to know- then He'll know that my dad is worthy of his wings. He'll know that my dad deserves to walk down the streets of gold in Heaven. And that brings me peace.
I just wish I could tell my dad all these things I've typed. I know he knew how much I loved him. And I know I was his world. There is no question there. But I just wish I could say it. I just wish I could tell him what this is doing to all of us. I just wish I could have saved him somehow.
I was hoping that writing this would help, even slightly. But it doesn't. But all I can do is beg any of you that read this…
If you or someone you love has ever thought of or mentioned suicide, please don't take it lightly. Get help! Don't believe that old cliché that "if they talk about it they won't do it". My dad talked about it for years. And he finally did it. Taking your own life is never the solution. It leaves gaping holes and too many unanswered questions. It leaves behind so many broken hearts and wounds that will never heal. It leaves guilt, pain, blame, anger, grief, and a host of numerous other emotions that can't even be described. It doesn't help anyone and it's the selfish way out. There is never a problem big enough that suicide is the only answer.
So in closing, I ask again that everyone just pray for my family to heal. Pray for my fathers soul. And don't ever think that there is a problem so big that you have to end your own life in order to solve it. Tell people that you love them, smile at strangers, always try to make someone's day a little brighter. You never know when they are actually thinking of doing something this drastic and your kindness may be their salvation.
I love you all. God bless.
Written a few years ago....
To My Alcoholic Father, from Your Little Girl
© Meesa
I see you struggling with the pain
and the hurt of a hard life,
I see the weariness in your eyes
and I realize now that you're not
superhuman.
You just want to give up sometimes
and lay down and rest
forever.
That's why you drink that poison.
You think it will all go away
if you just get that one good buzz.
That floating feeling will send all of your hurt
straight to hell
and you will be okay again.
No more suicide attempts,
no more fighting with the demons
that possess your spirit.
Your strength is gone now because
it has been drained from you
due to the stress you've had to deal with.
I understand this now, Dad,
because I've experienced it a little.
I am learning the hard work and the heartbreak.
I can see in my eyes now
what I so often wondered what it meant in yours.
It pains me to see this in the mirror
because I saw the same emotion in your face
for so many years
and I am so scared to ride down
that path named after you.
But I am proud of you now, Dad.
You're turning it all around.
I know your intentions were good.
I know you wanted to make our dreams come true.
And if anyone asks your little girl if you did,
the answer will always be yes.
With your good and bad times
you made me who I am today,
and that was always one of my dreams...
to be like you on your good days
and to be a strong person with a loving heart.
And that makes me want to mend
your rough working hands
and your shattered knee,
just so I can repay you
for giving me the life I had.
I just wish I could heal you
and thank you at the same time.
But I just wanted you to know
how proud I am of you
and that no matter what...
I will always be your little girl.
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace." - Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
I thought that in my 27 years I had already felt true heartache and pain. I thought that losing friends to car accidents and murder was painful. I thought that losing my granny to old age hurt. I thought that going through a divorce was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. Until my daddy took his own life 4 days ago.
I don't know how to write or explain everything that has gone through my mind since I got the phone call Tuesday afternoon. I wish I could.
I wish I could type out everything in my heart and head and that would give me peace and some sort of closure. I wish I could type the pain away. I wish I could tell everyone how bad it hurts and how lost I am and that maybe my written words would save someone's life and family- but I can't.
All I know is that it is the deepest hurt anyone could ever experience. And I don't know how to make it stop. So even though I know it won't bring peace or closure or even help, I am still typing. Just hoping for some sort of release. Maybe a slight relief of this pressure in my heart because if I don't get it out somehow, I'm afraid I might actually implode.
This blog might be long, so I'm not expecting anyone to actually read it. I'm doing this for myself. And maybe, just maybe someone who is thinking of doing the drastic act of suicide will run across this page and it might just change their mind. But if not, at least maybe it will be some sort of therapy for me. So I'm starting from the beginning.
I was about 16 when my dad first started drinking again. I say again because when I was born he was 19 and my mom told him that if he didn't stop drinking and doing drugs, he'd never see me again. So he stopped then. We still don't know exactly why he started back up. Of course when you have an alcoholic father, you blame yourself for their drinking. I've gone through that. I thought that maybe if I hadn't tried to grow up so fast and made him feel so old, he would have never started again. Maybe if I had been a better daughter and had needed less so that he wouldn't have had to work so hard. Maybe if I had begged him to stop sooner, or maybe if I would have gotten through to him somehow. But nothing I or my family did ever got through to him. So many tears were cried, so many times we begged and pleaded for him to just stop. So much pain.
He wasn't an abusive alcoholic by any means. He just drank. If he abused anyone, it was himself. He wouldn't eat. He didn't sleep well. The drinking brought on the "demons" as mom and I called them. What I mean by that is that he "saw things". Maybe he actually could communicate with dead people. Maybe he was paranoid schizophrenic. No one knows but him and God. But regardless, he was exhausted.
The first time my dad threatened suicide I was about 19 and living in my first apartment here in Lexington. He and mom lived in London, and I got a call from my mom that my dad was missing and that she had found a suicide note. So I drove down there as fast as I could to find him and try to stop him, praying the whole time that it wasn't already too late. I got there in time and Corey and I found him waiting on the train tracks. Thank God a train hadn't come since he'd been there and who knows when the next one would have showed up. I talked to him and convinced him that it wasn't worth it. A few months later, I got another phone call. My dad had driven his and mom's Toyota Tercel into a tree as another attempt. The only thing he suffered from it was a bruised up face and a broken nose.
Fast forward a few years to when I was 21 or 22. They had moved to the north end of Lexington in a little white house with gas heat and a gas stove. My mom had come home from being out with a friend of hers and she smelled gas as she was walking up the sidewalk to her front door. Her first thought was my dad so she went next door to call 911. When the paramedics got there, the house was filled with gas and my dad was found passed out with a lit cigarette in his hand. Only God knows how he kept from blowing the place up, but mom and I knew that it must not have been his time to go. So of course this being the third time he had "tried" we assumed that either he wasn't serious or that he was "unbreakable". Little did we know he would actually attempt and be successful at it later on down the road.
My mom got the phone call somewhere around 2 p.m. Tuesday afternoon from the Laurel County Coroner saying that my dad had shot himself in the head and that he was dead. My mom of course thought it was a sick joke. Coroners don't call you on the phone, do they? So my sister got on the phone and cussed the guy out, still thinking it was someone playing a disgusting prank. My sister called me on my cell shortly after. I don't know what time it was. I was in the bathroom at work and my phone rang numerous times. I thought she was maybe going in labor since she's due Sunday. When I answered my sister was crying, telling me I need to come to my moms right away. I asked why and she wouldn't tell me, told me to not ask questions until I got there. I told her I couldn't leave work unless I had a reason so she wanted to talk to my boss. After a few times of trying to convince her to tell me and she wouldn't, I handed my phone over to my boss and my boss just told me to go. I knew it had to be something with my mom or dad, most likely dad due to previous experiences. But I had no idea. I thought maybe he was fighting with my mom or pulling one of his crazy stunts. I never expected to hear that my daddy was dead.
I head to my car and start driving to my moms house. I was about a block away when my Aunt Marie called me asking if I had talked to my mom. I told her I was on the way to her house but no one would tell me what was going on. She said it was my dad and that she had heard he had shot and killed himself. I guess it didn't hit me immediately, I just hung up and kept driving. Pulling into my moms driveway I started crying, praying that it wasn't true. I walked into my moms and my sister and mom were crying and my Aunt Pat and cousin Amy were there. When I walked in I looked at my sister and said "Please tell me what I heard isn't true". All my sister could do was cover her face and cry. I knew at that moment that my daddy was gone. I lost it and dropped to the floor. All I could say was "It's a sick joke. Someone's lying. They're fucking with us!" I couldn't believe it.
My dad had been staying with his mother for almost 2 weeks. He originally went down to London to go into a rehab to help him quit drinking. He was supposed to go there last Wednesday. He changed his mind about going into the hospital but was still going to work on getting his CDL's back because he's a truck driver. He had lost them about 2 years ago because of a DUI. From what my mom has been told, when he did it he was drunk and he had been arguing with his mom.
From the details his mom gave us, she said they were "talking" and he got up to go into the room he had been sleeping in. She thought he was maybe going to lay down. But a few minutes later he walked out with a gun to his head. He was standing about 5 feet away from her and said "Don't worry, I'm taking care of everything". She screamed "Oh God Jimmy, no!" and by the time she stood up, he had already pulled the trigger. When he fell he hit his head on the bar in her kitchen. She said she'll never be able to get the sound of that gun out of her head.
When mom and I got there and were looking through his clothes, praying for a note- my cousin Becky found the case to the gun. It was a 22 Ruger. I always thought 22's were just high powered BB guns and they wouldn't hurt anyone seriously. Guess I thought wrong.
My dad had a hard life. Growing up his mother didn't have much to do with him, he was sent to live with grandparents, uncles, and from stories he's told- pretty much anyone who would have him. The person he credits for raising him was his grandfather- a hardcore Southern Baptist minister. He grew up fighting his way through school, mostly in Indianapolis in a rough area. When he was younger some guys actually ganged up and tried to hang him from a tree. He had an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. He was always coming to their rescue any time they were in trouble. He was the "responsible" one as far as I can remember. Out of his mom, brothers, and sister- he was the only one who wasn't an alcoholic until I was about 16. There are countless memories that I have of his brothers and sister living with us and my dad taking them in when they had no one else to turn to.
When he started drinking, of course his relationship with my mom went downhill. She was strong for many years and stood by him. I don't know of many women who would put up with the things my mom put up with from him. He was her life, and regardless of how much he drank or how much shit he gave her- she was still there. Sometimes not realizing she was an enabler, or even nagging too much- yet still there nonetheless. When no one in his family was there for him, my mom was.
But no matter what- dad couldn't win the battle. The alcohol had too strong of a hold on him. I know he hated it. I know he hated what it made him. I know he hated who he had become. But he couldn't let it go. And eventually, it was going to be the death of him. Whether it would have been cirrhosis or a gun, it was still suicide either way.
My dad was the best man I'll ever know. And if you've met him, probably the best man you'll ever meet. Even when he was drunk, he wanted the people around him to be happy. Even if he was in a bad mood, he'd smile and crack a joke just to get someone else to laugh. He took everyone under his wing as if they were his blood. He loved kids and animals, and I had yet to see a child or animal that didn't love him back. When you met my dad, you instantly loved him. He had the warmest brown eyes and the goofiest grin, and never a bad word about anyone unless they did him wrong. He was never one to be walked on but he was always quick to forgive and to give second, sometimes third or more chances. My dad loved and feared God. He believed in fairness, and earning your way. He hated charity and worked for everything he ever had in life. He was a wonderful father, and even when drinking- a great husband. Yes, he had faults. I am in no way implying he was perfect. But when he wasn't drinking he was probably as close to perfect as a human can get. He was a very respectable man, and sometimes too smart for his own good. But from what I've seen, sometimes the most intelligent and wonderful people are the most tortured by their own minds.
My dad had no idea how much he was loved. He always told my mom that if he ever died he would only have one friend that would show up to his funeral. Well if he could see the funeral home, he was surprised. It was packed. People my mom and I had never met or heard about. So many people crying because they knew a wonderful man was now gone from our lives, and way too soon.
I must admit that I am so mad at him right now that I could scream. If he would have woken up for just 10 minutes, 5 of those would have been be cussing him for leaving me and the other 5 would have been me telling him how much I loved him and begging for him to stay.
I am also so hurt that he would do this to us, to me. He wanted me to have him a grandchild so bad for so many years. He would always say "You're never gonna have me a grandbaby." Well, I finally am and he left me. I don't know how I'm going to do it without him here. He's supposed to be there for me to tell him when I find out if it's a boy or a girl. He wanted a grandson, but even if it's a girl he would have been happy. He's supposed to be at the hospital holding my hand telling me it's worth it and making sure I'm ok. He's supposed to be there to take his grandchild fishing. The last time I talked to him was last Sunday and he told me he had a dream that I had a boy. My son was going to be blonde with brown eyes (like Dad) and chubby. And in my dads dream he was fishing with my little boy and my sisters little boy. How can his dream come true if he's not here???
But the other part of me feels guilty for being so selfish. I know my dad was tortured. I know that my dad was miserable and in pain. And I know that he is finally resting and finally at peace. I should be happy for him that he finally gets the peace and quiet and rest he deserves. He is no longer tortured by demons or alcohol and no longer has to worry about his family.
I always heard that if you commit suicide it's an automatic sentence to Hell. I finally did some research on that, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that. So in that case, if God really is the forgiving and loving God I was raised to know- then He'll know that my dad is worthy of his wings. He'll know that my dad deserves to walk down the streets of gold in Heaven. And that brings me peace.
I just wish I could tell my dad all these things I've typed. I know he knew how much I loved him. And I know I was his world. There is no question there. But I just wish I could say it. I just wish I could tell him what this is doing to all of us. I just wish I could have saved him somehow.
I was hoping that writing this would help, even slightly. But it doesn't. But all I can do is beg any of you that read this…
If you or someone you love has ever thought of or mentioned suicide, please don't take it lightly. Get help! Don't believe that old cliché that "if they talk about it they won't do it". My dad talked about it for years. And he finally did it. Taking your own life is never the solution. It leaves gaping holes and too many unanswered questions. It leaves behind so many broken hearts and wounds that will never heal. It leaves guilt, pain, blame, anger, grief, and a host of numerous other emotions that can't even be described. It doesn't help anyone and it's the selfish way out. There is never a problem big enough that suicide is the only answer.
So in closing, I ask again that everyone just pray for my family to heal. Pray for my fathers soul. And don't ever think that there is a problem so big that you have to end your own life in order to solve it. Tell people that you love them, smile at strangers, always try to make someone's day a little brighter. You never know when they are actually thinking of doing something this drastic and your kindness may be their salvation.
I love you all. God bless.
Written a few years ago....
To My Alcoholic Father, from Your Little Girl
© Meesa
I see you struggling with the pain
and the hurt of a hard life,
I see the weariness in your eyes
and I realize now that you're not
superhuman.
You just want to give up sometimes
and lay down and rest
forever.
That's why you drink that poison.
You think it will all go away
if you just get that one good buzz.
That floating feeling will send all of your hurt
straight to hell
and you will be okay again.
No more suicide attempts,
no more fighting with the demons
that possess your spirit.
Your strength is gone now because
it has been drained from you
due to the stress you've had to deal with.
I understand this now, Dad,
because I've experienced it a little.
I am learning the hard work and the heartbreak.
I can see in my eyes now
what I so often wondered what it meant in yours.
It pains me to see this in the mirror
because I saw the same emotion in your face
for so many years
and I am so scared to ride down
that path named after you.
But I am proud of you now, Dad.
You're turning it all around.
I know your intentions were good.
I know you wanted to make our dreams come true.
And if anyone asks your little girl if you did,
the answer will always be yes.
With your good and bad times
you made me who I am today,
and that was always one of my dreams...
to be like you on your good days
and to be a strong person with a loving heart.
And that makes me want to mend
your rough working hands
and your shattered knee,
just so I can repay you
for giving me the life I had.
I just wish I could heal you
and thank you at the same time.
But I just wanted you to know
how proud I am of you
and that no matter what...
I will always be your little girl.
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