© Meesa Caudill
Well I was born a bastard child
in the summer of '79.
My daddy was a good ol' boy
so he stuck by my momma's side.
Two weeks later they were wed
in a small ceremony in town-
daddy became a family man
and never let momma down.
He held tight to the Bible,
almost became a preacher man-
wanted a country life full of God
but momma didn't understand.
He started sippin' on the bottle
in the summer of '95.
He tried to drown all his regrets,
so sad, he hated his life.
Daddy was a God fearin' man,
momma was a gypsy soul.
Daddy wanted to grow country roots,
momma was always on the go.
I'm the twisted child of that union-
I'm the two halves of that whole.
Momma was always wanting more
than what Daddy could ever give.
She wanted to have fun, a nice car to drive,
she wanted a nice place to live.
We'd move at least once every year
because Momma would get so bored.
Pack up our things and start over again,
Daddy knew it was more than he could afford.
But Momma loved him with all her heart,
she just had an unsettled side.
And Daddy loved her the best he could,
often swallowing his pride.
Then one day he took his own life
and tore Momma's world apart.
Things haven't been the same since that cold day
when Daddy ripped out Momma's heart.
But she holds the faith that he taught her
so many years ago-
she tries to pass it on to this bastard child
but that child has a long way to go.
Daddy was a God fearin' man,
Momma was a gypsy soul.
Daddy wanted to grow country roots,
Momma was always on the go.
I'm the twisted product of that union-
I'm the two halves of that whole.
So now here I am, the bastard child,
left here to find my own way.
My Daddy's pride keeps me grounded,
while Momma's gypsy side makes me stray.
Torn between the two halves of myself
that mimic them so well-
hoping to find my Momma's faith
but fighting my Daddy's hell.
Welcome to my manic mind!
Thanks for stopping by!
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Again, thanks for stopping by! Much love!
Meesa Caudill
I hope you enjoy what you read here! If you do, please let me know by leaving some comments, and please share my link with your friends! I love getting comments, so let me know what you think about what you read!
If you see an ad that may be something you're interested in- please click it and help support my blog! Each click counts! :o)
All blogs on this site are copy-written and owned by me.
Again, thanks for stopping by! Much love!
Meesa Caudill
Showing posts with label contradiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label contradiction. Show all posts
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Questioning Life
Who am I?
What do I want out of life?
What do I expect from love?
What do I expect from myself?
The questions that all of us have asked ourselves throughout our lives... mostly still unanswered. Does anyone ever have the answers? From what I see- the majority of the population struggles with that inner battle of the heart and mind, wandering the world searching for hints, signs as to what they want, who they are. Most of the time when we get what we think we want, we still wonder. When does the questioning end and the enjoyment of life begin?
Who am I?
I am a walking contradiction. I am the girl next door, yet can be quite a diva when things don't seem to be going my way. I am sweet as sugar, but pretty sour when crossed. I am affectionate and loving but need space. I am independent but still needy. I am proud and strong but on the inside I am still the little girl crying for help. I am 'one of the boys' but still cry at chick flicks and crave the fairytale romance. I am a cynic yet still gullible. I trust no one but I still have that blind faith that all humans are good. I am an optimistic pessimist, I expect the worst but still hope for the best. I am a whirlwind of emotion but can come across as a cold-hearted bitch. I fit no definition, I fall into more than one stereotype. There is no solid answer of who I am- yet I just wrote it. How do you see me? How do you see yourself?
What do I want out of life?
I want simplicity, comfort, love, happiness, and fun. I want a real, deep, committed, unconditional relationship. I want to have a successful marriage one day. I want a family. I want the "American dream". I want to be financially comfortable. I want to travel. I want to see things that inspire me and leave me in awe. I want to be respected and to finally be rid of the 'white trash' shadow that has haunted me my whole life. I want to be known. I want to live each day as if it were my last and I want the resources that allow me to do that. I want to stop feeling caged- to no longer be trapped in this town, in this apartment, in this life. I want to love. I want to live. I want to love living!
What do I expect from love?
Again- my expectations are a contradiction. I try to not expect anything yet I always hope for that fairytale. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to feel like a woman and not a toy. I want to be worshiped, respected, spoiled, loved. I need romance. I need surprises. I need to have my breath taken away every now and then. I want to be missed when I'm not there. I want to be thought of. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be the girl who makes his eyes light up when I walk into the room. I want to be the one that puts the smile on his face. I want to be treated as if I'm the only woman on the planet. I want it all.
What do I expect from myself?
I keep telling myself I can do better than I am. I tell myself I deserve better than what I get. But on the inside I don't think I truly believe it. I settle for mediocre. Why? Is it because I feel I'm not worthy of the best? I ask myself every day why my life has turned out the way it has. And I know it's because I have not pushed myself to my potential. Yet when I think about trying I'm too scared to put any thoughts into action because I have no faith in myself. I don't think I'm smart enough, or strong enough, or good enough. How do we change self-destructive behavior? Do we have to find the root of it to begin to understand it? Is it possible to change?
There really is no point to this note... I just felt the need to write. So with that I shall end this note with a few quotes.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
"All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why."
~ James Thurber
"To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution." ~ Joe Cordare
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." ~ Alan Watts
"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves." ~ Author Unknown
"Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living." ~ Tom O'Connor
"Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain." ~ Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
And my favorite- the one that is most inspirational to me right now...
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be." ~ Robert Brault
What do I want out of life?
What do I expect from love?
What do I expect from myself?
The questions that all of us have asked ourselves throughout our lives... mostly still unanswered. Does anyone ever have the answers? From what I see- the majority of the population struggles with that inner battle of the heart and mind, wandering the world searching for hints, signs as to what they want, who they are. Most of the time when we get what we think we want, we still wonder. When does the questioning end and the enjoyment of life begin?
Who am I?
I am a walking contradiction. I am the girl next door, yet can be quite a diva when things don't seem to be going my way. I am sweet as sugar, but pretty sour when crossed. I am affectionate and loving but need space. I am independent but still needy. I am proud and strong but on the inside I am still the little girl crying for help. I am 'one of the boys' but still cry at chick flicks and crave the fairytale romance. I am a cynic yet still gullible. I trust no one but I still have that blind faith that all humans are good. I am an optimistic pessimist, I expect the worst but still hope for the best. I am a whirlwind of emotion but can come across as a cold-hearted bitch. I fit no definition, I fall into more than one stereotype. There is no solid answer of who I am- yet I just wrote it. How do you see me? How do you see yourself?
What do I want out of life?
I want simplicity, comfort, love, happiness, and fun. I want a real, deep, committed, unconditional relationship. I want to have a successful marriage one day. I want a family. I want the "American dream". I want to be financially comfortable. I want to travel. I want to see things that inspire me and leave me in awe. I want to be respected and to finally be rid of the 'white trash' shadow that has haunted me my whole life. I want to be known. I want to live each day as if it were my last and I want the resources that allow me to do that. I want to stop feeling caged- to no longer be trapped in this town, in this apartment, in this life. I want to love. I want to live. I want to love living!
What do I expect from love?
Again- my expectations are a contradiction. I try to not expect anything yet I always hope for that fairytale. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to feel like a woman and not a toy. I want to be worshiped, respected, spoiled, loved. I need romance. I need surprises. I need to have my breath taken away every now and then. I want to be missed when I'm not there. I want to be thought of. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be the girl who makes his eyes light up when I walk into the room. I want to be the one that puts the smile on his face. I want to be treated as if I'm the only woman on the planet. I want it all.
What do I expect from myself?
I keep telling myself I can do better than I am. I tell myself I deserve better than what I get. But on the inside I don't think I truly believe it. I settle for mediocre. Why? Is it because I feel I'm not worthy of the best? I ask myself every day why my life has turned out the way it has. And I know it's because I have not pushed myself to my potential. Yet when I think about trying I'm too scared to put any thoughts into action because I have no faith in myself. I don't think I'm smart enough, or strong enough, or good enough. How do we change self-destructive behavior? Do we have to find the root of it to begin to understand it? Is it possible to change?
There really is no point to this note... I just felt the need to write. So with that I shall end this note with a few quotes.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
"All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why."
~ James Thurber
"To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution." ~ Joe Cordare
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." ~ Alan Watts
"We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves." ~ Author Unknown
"Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living." ~ Tom O'Connor
"Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain." ~ Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
And my favorite- the one that is most inspirational to me right now...
"If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be." ~ Robert Brault
Labels:
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writing
Thin Line
I love the way you look at me,
I love the way you smell.
I love your grin and your bright eyes.
I hate you! Go to hell!
I love the way you laugh,
I love the way you say my name.
I love it when I hear from you.
Fuck you! Stop playing games!
I love how no one else exists to me,
I love that you're always on my mind.
I love the way you touch me.
I'm sick of wasting my fucking time!
I love your sense of humor.
I love your charm and wit.
I love that you're intelligent.
You're an asshole & I'm tired of your shit!
I love that you make me laugh.
I love that you turn me on so much.
I love that you give me butterflies.
I don't want to long for your touch!
I love that you can't stay away from me.
I love that I can't leave you alone.
I love when you sleep next to me.
Don't ever call me again, go home!!!
I love it that we just seem to fit together.
I love how I feel when I'm with you.
I love it that you won't admit you're jealous sometimes.
Leave me alone, I'm through!!!!
I hate your fucking guts
and yet I love your fucking face.
You're the one I fucking hate to love.
You're the one I love to fucking hate!
I love the way you smell.
I love your grin and your bright eyes.
I hate you! Go to hell!
I love the way you laugh,
I love the way you say my name.
I love it when I hear from you.
Fuck you! Stop playing games!
I love how no one else exists to me,
I love that you're always on my mind.
I love the way you touch me.
I'm sick of wasting my fucking time!
I love your sense of humor.
I love your charm and wit.
I love that you're intelligent.
You're an asshole & I'm tired of your shit!
I love that you make me laugh.
I love that you turn me on so much.
I love that you give me butterflies.
I don't want to long for your touch!
I love that you can't stay away from me.
I love that I can't leave you alone.
I love when you sleep next to me.
Don't ever call me again, go home!!!
I love it that we just seem to fit together.
I love how I feel when I'm with you.
I love it that you won't admit you're jealous sometimes.
Leave me alone, I'm through!!!!
I hate your fucking guts
and yet I love your fucking face.
You're the one I fucking hate to love.
You're the one I love to fucking hate!
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