10 Days After My Dad's Suicide

It's been 10 days since my dad pulled that trigger. And to be honest, I really don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. For the most part, I'm sad- yet numb.

I am sitting here thinking, but not crying... yet, anyways. My friends got me out of the apartment tonight for a dinner at Applebee's. I could tell no one really knew what to say, but that's ok. In these types of situations I'm shitty with words myself so I understand. I didn't really expect anyone to say anything- I'm just glad I have such great friends. And yet I think there was a little bit of surprise that I'm ok. And it surprises me too.

I have so many mixed emotions right now going through my head and my heart that I don't know which one will appear at any given moment. For the most part, during the day when I'm alone or at work, I'm sad yet ok. I don't cry like I thought I would. But when I talk to my mom and all she can talk about is my dad, I get angry. I don't understand that. I get so mad that I want to scream at somebody, punch someone, break something. Then I cry angry tears. When I see a dump truck (my dad drove one), or look at pictures of him, or hear certain songs- I get depressed. I want him to be here. I want to tell him the newest joke I read or tell him what the doctor told me yesterday. I want to talk to him about religion and superstition and politics like we always did. But I can't. But for the most part, I'm ok.

I know that there are stages to accepting death. Especially a suicide. There is disbelief, denial, grieving, and acceptance. Right now I have a mix of all of them. My mom and sister tell me I should go to counseling because they think I'm holding it in. Maybe I am and just don't realize it. But I don't need some whack-job quack that doesn't know me and didn't know my dad telling me what I should feel. I know how to psycho-analyze myself, and I know that I need to "let it out". But how can you let it out when the only way you want to is by getting mad at someone, yet you don't know who to be mad and scream at? There are so many things I blame, yet I can't take out this hurt and anger on any of them. The main one being my dad, then a few others, along with beer, and the doctors who didn't diagnose him correctly or get him the help he needed. I want so badly to tell my dad that he has just hurt me more than anything/anyone else will ever hurt me in my life, that he left me all alone, that he tore my heart out. But he's not here. And I know I have to face that and deal with it.

Maybe I'm just not ready yet.