To My Son While I Was Pregnant

Life will always change,
love will sometimes die...
you will laugh often,
and just as often cry.
Friends will come into your life,
and they'll disappear.
You'll wonder where time went
As it passes year by year.
You'll have to work hard
to survive everyday,
just don't forget
to make time to play.
Find a reason to smile
With every breath you take
For you never know
When you'll feel real heartache.
Revel in the moments
That take your breath away
Because what makes you happy
Can be taken from you today.
Don't live in the past,
Always look to tomorrow.
But don't forget to live in the moment,
Never be swallowed by sorrow.
Live with no regrets,
Mistakes make you who you are-
Just be sure to learn from them,
But don't let them leave scars.
If someone breaks your heart,
Chalk it up to lesson learned.
Don't try to make them love you
Or you will get burned.
Don't rush through childhood,
Have fun while it lasts.
You'll have plenty of time to grow up
And you can never go back.
Always remember that you are loved
And alone you'll never be.
Life is a lesson one must learn for themselves,
But you can always turn to me.

A Letter to My Daddy 38 Days After His Suicide

Well Dad, it's been 38 days since you did the unthinkable. 38 days.
38 days of heartache.
38 days of holding back the tears.
38 days of trying to be strong.
38 days of being numb.
38 days of missing you.

Mom, Bobbie, Kourtney, and Gregory are ok. Mom and Bobbie fight more now it seems. I think it's because everyone is so angry and hurt, and none of us know where to direct it or how to deal with it. Me, I'm the same. I hide. I write. I pretend it's not true. It helps sometimes, but then there are times like this morning when I can't hold it in anymore and I break. I try not to, but the tears won't stop.

I found out that you were right, Dad. I'm having a boy. I wonder if he'll have blonde hair and brown eyes like you said. I can hear you now saying "See, you'll learn to listen to your ol' crazy daddy every now and then" and see you with that goofy grin because you'd be happy you're having another grandson. Unfortunately, I can only see and hear that in my heart because you're not here.You were supposed to be here to take him and Gregory fishing. Remember? My son was supposed to be your shadow, supposed to follow Pa-paw around everywhere. REMEMBER??? How can he do that now, Dad? Now he'll never know you. He'll never hear your laugh or see your smile that we all love so much. I wanted him to know you so badly, Dad. Why did you steal that from him? From me? From yourself???

 Dammit Dad, you were SUPPOSED to be here! I wanted so badly to run into mom's the day I had my ultrasound and grab you and give you the biggest hug and tell you congrats because you were going to have another grandson to spoil. Your first blood grandchild is going to be a boy. I wanted so badly to see that smile and to see your big brown eyes light up. But I couldn't Dad. I fucking couldn't because you left me. And I can't shake this pain, Dad. I can't make it go away. I can't get rid of this heaviness on my chest. I can't keep smiling at people pretending I'm ok. I don't know how to deal with the way I feel now. I try so hard to be normal but nothing is even fun anymore. I can't call you anymore and tell you about something crazy I saw or did. I just want to call you, Dad.

Mom and I are supposed to come to London this weekend to visit your grave. I don't know how either of us will handle seeing your name on a headstone for the first time. I don't know about Mom, but it's just going to rip me apart even more. I know that on my way down there I'll be subconsciously thinking that we're actually going to see YOU, and then when it's just a piece of marble on the ground bearing your name, it will kill me a little more inside. I don't know if that's a reality I can face yet. Seeing you in a casket was bad enough, but you just looked like you were sleeping so it wasn't that bad. I still saw YOU. But this will hurt more. How do I do it, Dad? How could you have done it? You didn't have to live through your parents dying, they're still here. Why did you leave me to deal with this, Dad?

I can't help but hear your last words to me the last time I talked to you, when you told me you were proud of me. Dammit Dad, why didn't you give me a hint? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you talk to me?!?!?!?! I told you I didn't know why you were proud of me, and now I really don't. I'm a mess, Dad. I wish you were here so I could talk to you, but all I can do is write about it. All I can do is wake up each day and put on a smile and carry on as if everything is ok.
I love you, Dad.

And I miss you more than you could have ever known.


Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you.

~Hurt- Christina Aguilera~