Bastard Child

© Meesa Caudill

Well I was born a bastard child
in the summer of '79.
My daddy was a good ol' boy
so he stuck by my momma's side.
Two weeks later they were wed
in a small ceremony in town-
daddy became a family man
and never let momma down.
He held tight to the Bible,
almost became a preacher man-
wanted a country life full of God
but momma didn't understand.
He started sippin' on the bottle
in the summer of '95.
He tried to drown all his regrets,
so sad, he hated his life.

Daddy was a God fearin' man,
momma was a gypsy soul.
Daddy wanted to grow country roots,
momma was always on the go.
I'm the twisted child of that union-
I'm the two halves of that whole.

Momma was always wanting more
than what Daddy could ever give.
She wanted to have fun, a nice car to drive,
she wanted a nice place to live.
We'd move at least once every year
because Momma would get so bored.
Pack up our things and start over again,
Daddy knew it was more than he could afford.
But Momma loved him with all her heart,
she just had an unsettled side.
And Daddy loved her the best he could,
often swallowing his pride.
Then one day he took his own life
and tore Momma's world apart.
Things haven't been the same since that cold day
when Daddy ripped out Momma's heart.
But she holds the faith that he taught her
so many years ago-
she tries to pass it on to this bastard child
but that child has a long way to go.

Daddy was a God fearin' man,
Momma was a gypsy soul.
Daddy wanted to grow country roots,
Momma was always on the go.
I'm the twisted product of that union-
I'm the two halves of that whole.

So now here I am, the bastard child,
left here to find my own way.
My Daddy's pride keeps me grounded,
while Momma's gypsy side makes me stray.
Torn between the two halves of myself
that mimic them so well-
hoping to find my Momma's faith
but fighting my Daddy's hell.

My Angel Baby

To my son I'll never hold,
who's eyes I'll never see.
The baby who never got to feel
the loving touch from me.
I'll never know if you had dimples,
never get to see you grin.
I'll never get to hear your laugh,
never see if you had a dimple on your chin.
I'll never get to hear you say mama,
never know if daddy would be your first word.
All I know is that there is now a void,
nothing can ever heal this hurt.
I'll never get to hold your tiny hand
as I teach you to cross a street.
Daddy will never get to teach you to ride a bike,
or how to climb a tree.
I'll never get to answer your silly questions,
or wipe your tears when you cry.
I'll never get to kiss your hurts away
or teach you to get the kite to fly.
We'll never have your first Christmas,
never dress you for your first Halloween.
Now I only have my 5 month of memories of you
filled with hopes and dreams.
For the 20 weeks you were in my womb
you found a place in my heart.
You had become a piece of my soul
and it has now been ripped apart.
I saw you but didn't even get to meet you,
didn't get to feel your tiny touch.
And yet I can't seem to stop these tears
because I already miss you so much.
Goodbye my little angel bear.
Aiden Blaine Rose - you will always be my first.
And no matter how many come along after you-
for you my heart will always hurt.
May God hold you in His hands
and protect you with His loving grace.
And I hope when I get there you'll remember me
so I can finally kiss your face.

Watch Over Me

I look up at the sky, the clouds, the moon,
and even wish upon a star.
Can you see me from Heaven?
Is that where you are?
Are you holding my baby boy?
Has he grown his angel wings?
Has he given you a smile,
the one I'll never see?
Have you taken him fishing
like you said you were going to do?
Does he look like me or Logan,
does he resemble you?
Are his eyes as black as coal
just like I wanted them to be?
Or are they blue just like his daddy's?
Does he have dimples in his cheeks?
Have you told him any stories yet?
Have you held his little hand?
Have you told him who his mommy is
and how his daddy is a great man?
Have you gotten to meet Jesus?
Does he hold my baby boy?
Does my angel baby giggle
while he plays with Heaven's toys?
Does he know that you're his Pa-paw
and that I was your little girl?
Do you know how I much I miss you both?
Does he know he was my world?
Does he know his mommy loves him?
Does he know his daddy does too?
Please give my angel kisses for me,
and know I love both of you.

Written for my son on his birthday...

Today is your 'birthday' and I''m torn apart,
I can't throw you a party with little toy cars...
don't get to see you with cake everywhere,
don't get to take you for the first trim of your hair.
I don't get to kiss you or hold your tiny hand,
I'll never get to see you grow into a man.
All I can do is visit your grave and cry,
missing you on your birthday, wanting you by my side,
wanting so badly to hold you and tell you everything's okay
cause mommy is here forever to kiss the boo-boos away.
This emptiness inside leaves an eternal, aching void.
I miss you and love you Aiden- you'll always be my little boy.

To My Son While I Was Pregnant

Life will always change,
love will sometimes die...
you will laugh often,
and just as often cry.
Friends will come into your life,
and they'll disappear.
You'll wonder where time went
As it passes year by year.
You'll have to work hard
to survive everyday,
just don't forget
to make time to play.
Find a reason to smile
With every breath you take
For you never know
When you'll feel real heartache.
Revel in the moments
That take your breath away
Because what makes you happy
Can be taken from you today.
Don't live in the past,
Always look to tomorrow.
But don't forget to live in the moment,
Never be swallowed by sorrow.
Live with no regrets,
Mistakes make you who you are-
Just be sure to learn from them,
But don't let them leave scars.
If someone breaks your heart,
Chalk it up to lesson learned.
Don't try to make them love you
Or you will get burned.
Don't rush through childhood,
Have fun while it lasts.
You'll have plenty of time to grow up
And you can never go back.
Always remember that you are loved
And alone you'll never be.
Life is a lesson one must learn for themselves,
But you can always turn to me.