The many sides of me...

Almost 4 a.m. and I'm wide awake. Boy, these two weeks off sure have my sleeping schedule screwed up. I'm a natural night-owl by birth so when I know I don't have to do the corporate zombie 8 - 4:30 work day I go right back in to my natural nocturnal habits. Kinda sucks cause no one else is awake to entertain me. But in the same sense it is kind of a good thing because this is my thinking time. My "me time" so to speak. And this brings me to the conclusion that I have multiple personalities. But I have also come to the conclusion that my main personality is that of a sluggish chick who is too lazy to do anything about the other sides of me. Not making sense? Okay, let me explain...

I have a lazy side, an ambitious side, a dreamer side, a domesticated side, etc...

My ambitious side wants to go to school. I want to study writing. I want to study criminal justice. Maybe even some psychology, sociology, forensics, and throw in some computer classes for shits and giggles. I want to learn all the cool stuff that interests me. I don't really have a degree in mind but I need something to stimulate my intellect. I'm so bored with what little bit I know, and I need to meet people who make me think. I want to figure out a career that will actually make me happy and keep me satisfied instead of drudging to a job that I'm ok with but I only work at just to barely pay my bills. At least if I was happy at my job being broke would be a bit more tolerable. I want to do SOMETHING. Right now I'm just a UK drone who wakes up, goes to work, does only what is necessary to keep my job, and repeats. I have no passion but I crave it. Problem is, I don't know what that career path would be. I'm almost 30 years old- shouldn't I have figured this out by now?

My dreamer side wants to travel the world. I want to go to Ireland to see the lush hills and beautiful scenery. I want to experience the romance of Paris and feel the historical wonders in Italy and have a blast at all of the little stupid tourist attractions in the United States. I want to see the pyramids. I want to see a smoking volcano. I want my picture taken in front of a huge, beautiful castle. I want to see the sun rise over the ocean in the east and watch it set over the ocean in the west. I want to yell into the Grand Canyon just to see how loud it echoes. I want to see the Hollywood sign in person, not just in pictures. I want to see the skyscrapers of New York City. I want to feel the culture of Asia and buy a silk kimono just to wear around my house for the hell of it. I want to take in everything our world has to offer. But this takes money, which I don't have. It also takes a bit of nerve on my behalf because traveling kinda scares the shit out of me. Nashville was too big of a city for me and made me nervous- could you imagine how a foreign country where I don't know the language would make me feel? Two words... panic attack. Hahaha!

The domesticated side of me wants a beautiful home, a loving husband, two children, the family dog, and the picket fence. The American dream. I want to fill the void in me that has been there since I lost my son. I want the peaceful domesticated life with love and security and comfort. I want the excitement that you can only feel when you look into your child's face at Christmas, and having fun with my children on Halloween. I want to help them make Valentine's for their classmates, and make them cupcakes with colorful hearts to take to school. I want to color Easter eggs and make messes with them and giggle until our bellies hurt. I want to tell bedtime stories and tuck them in and teach them to say their prayers. And at the end of the day I want to cuddle up with the man of my dreams on my couch next to a roaring fireplace.

So how does an almost 30 year old woman accomplish everything that each side of her personality craves? Where would I even begin on the path to attaining even a small piece of what my heart desires? A new year is coming and with it I want new changes. I want to be mentally stimulated, satisfied with what life gives me, and happy with the path I am on. The lazy side of me is going to have to take a seat in the back while my other personalities get their say for once. Now if I just can figure out how to get started and stay motivated...