Time Flies

Time Flies
© Meesa Caudill


Momma always told me
times flies after 21...
looking back now she was oh so right-
where has all the time gone?
It seems like only yesterday
I was 8 years old
sittin' on my daddy's knee
hearing the stories he told.
Where did sweet sixteen go?
Learning to drive a car.
Turning 18, moving out on my own,
trying to follow my heart.

Time sure does fly when you're having fun
and even when times are hard.
Throughout the years you laugh and cry
and life takes a toll on your heart.
But oh, my child, life sure is worth it
when the memories make you smile.
Even looking back on all the tears,
it was worth it all the while.

Turning 21 and spreading my wings,
still just a kid in a grown-up world.
The partying, bars, and neon lights
put my head in a whirl.
Settling down, friends having babies,
losing love and family...
but no matter what, keeping my head held high
through pain and tragedy.
I reminisce on all those years,
and the little girl on my daddy's knee...
What would my 8-year-old self
think of the 33 year old me?

Add caption

Growing Up and Saying Goodbye

"“Doing all the little tricky things it takes to grow up, step by step, into an anxious and unsettling world.” ~ Sylvia Plath

I just went to the visitation of a man I went to middle school with. He was the husband of my best friend from my teenage years. He was murdered five days ago. Tomorrow I will go to his funeral, pay my respects, and say goodbye.

What happened to the adults we were supposed to be when we were younger? None of us were supposed to die before we were 80. We were all supposed to be rich and successful. We were all supposed to be invincible. We were all supposed to be healthy and happy until our silver years.

So many people from my yearbooks are gone. Taken away by death. And so many of those who are still breathing have been taken away by drugs. So many who will never have children. So many who will never see the children they do have grow up. So many who will never know their full potential, or what could have been. So many who have let their lives go because of that buzz, that warmth of the drugs that invade their systems, that money that comes with selling those pills, weed, crack, etc. When we were kids, we were all gonna be rock stars. We were supposed to be doctors, lawyers, scientists, engineers, the first woman president...

Now there are so many who are buried, behind bars of a jail or prison, or trapped by addictions. So many of us that didn't come to meet our full potential. So many of us are lost in dreams of what might have been had we taken the road that we were 'supposed' to.

Now I sit here wondering what happened to those youngsters who dreamed of fame, fortune, and success. I wonder at what point did we give up and give in to the people we became. I wonder when the moment was that we realized that those dreams were just us grasping at a reality that was just impossible so we became who we are today.

And I'm left wondering, yet again, about what happens to the human soul once we are breathing no more.Do we get to witness our own funeral and burial before going off into the unknown? Do we 'rest' and await judgment day? Do we immediately go to the gates of Heaven and meet the ever-so-famous St. Peter? Do we get to meet God at the moment we take our last breath? Is there a God? What's He like? Is He the mean, punishing God that we read about in the First Testament of the Bible, or the forgiving, loving, understanding God that the New Testament portrays?

For the rest of my life I will remember those who've passed on as forever young. They will never have to deal with getting old, losing more loved ones, disease, tragedy, the aches and pains each passing year brings our bodies. They will remain the age they were at their last breath for eternity. I may cry because I miss their presence but I do not cry for the dead. I cry for those of us they left behind to mourn, to grieve. I cry for those that are hurting and not sure where to go from here. I cry for those who will miss out on cherished memories they could have had with those that have passed. I cry for the babies who will miss their daddies. I cry for those little girls who will never have their daddy there to walk them down the aisle when they get married. I cry for the mothers they left behind that ache to hold their children just one last time. I cry for the friends and loved ones who will no longer be blessed by the presence of those we hold so dear.

In memory of those lost along the way... may they always stay forever young.

Lee Adams - 12-6-1992
Tedman "Ted" Allan Birchum - 16 years old - 8-20-1993

Jay Chappell - 16 years old - 5-17-1994

Brandon Odom - 16 years old -  5-17-1994

Brad Johnson - 15/16 years old - 1995

Ike Davis - 18 years old - 4-20-1999

Aaron Mills - 22 years old - 4-20-1999

Shane Kimberling - age?

Shane McCormick - 31 years old - 7-10-1999

Laura Webb - age? 

Richard Quesenberry -  8-16-2008

Brian Smith - 2010

Rocky Adams - 33 - 1-4-2011

There are so many more that I'm sure I'm forgetting. Please let me know if there are any I should add.
May they rest in peace and God bless their souls.

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." ~ George S. Patton, Jr.

Caged Bird Singing

Trapped.
Confined.
Suffocated.
Imprisoned.

Caged.


Do you ever get the urge to just run away from everything? To just sell or throw away everything you own and take off in whichever direction you choose just to see where the road goes?

I want to run away. Run away from this dead-end job. Run away from the boredom of Lexington. Run away from the norm. Run away from the things that haunt me. Run away from this life and start a new one.

I've been wracking my brain for what seems like forever- trying to figure out what is missing from my life and how to turn my life into what I want it to be. No conclusions have been come to and I'm still at a loss. I still have no idea where I want to be and what I want to be doing with my life. I'll be 31 years old in two weeks and I have nothing to show for my time on this planet. No family. No career. No adventures. I have been walking around like a zombie since I came into this world and I yearn to LIVE.

How do you do that when you're flat broke and drive a piece of shit car that you can't even depend on to take you across town? Does being poor confine us to a life of dreary days with nothing to look forward to? Whether I live the life of a gypsy for six months or not- I know one thing... I've got to do something, anything, before I lose my mind.


I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Maya Angelou


"The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."

Seventeen

4 a.m., alone again, in front of this old computer screen...
playing songs that take me back to the days of seventeen.
I was young and wild- the taste of freedom exciting & new...
didn't have a care in the world... and all I wanted was you.
I gave you my heart that winter, gave you my soul that spring...
you gave me a key to keep around my neck, years later you gave me a ring.
We promised each other forever, not knowing forever just wouldn't be-
and now I sit here so many years later, ghosts of the past still haunting me.
Real love has evaded me since you, true emotion I can't seem to find.
I've been told that I'm too guarded, they tell me my wall is too high.
No one even dares to climb it, they damn sure don't try to tear it down-
I guess they know that once they cross it, your ghost is still around.

My Dream (RIP Ike Davis)

I had a dream last night
that you were still alive.
You were standing near me smiling
with a twinkle in your eyes.

You told me that you loved me
and I said I loved you too-
we embraced in a warm hug
and I told you how much I missed you.

You told me you were worried about me
because it was me that just got shot.
But I told you I was doing fine,
when in reality I'm not.

I told you I couldn't believe you were here
because you died so long ago,
but you said you hadn't really died-
you just had somewhere to go.

As we hugged one last time
I awoke to reality.
I looked around the room for you
but your face I did not see.

I realized it was just a dream
and that you were really gone-
my mind has understood this
but my heart just won't move on.

I still picture you at 13 years old
back when I saw you all the time-
and my heart always looks for you
although you are gone in my mind.

You were always my baby brother,
or least in my eyes-
and now when I remember those days
I can't help it but to cry.

I wish it could have stayed that way
and maybe you wouldn't be dead-
and I could see you again every day
and not just from the dreams in my head.

Friends Forever... Or Not

Deep conversations about
the meaning of life.
our future plans.
Who we want to be.
Where we want to go.
And our dreams.

Driving around town
doing nothing at all.
Seeing everything.
Talking to no one.
Yelling at everyone.
And getting nowhere.

What we said was
best friends forever.
Soul sisters always.
Water doesn't need a type to match like
blood does.
You'll be my friend for eternity.

But now you're gone.
And we see each other never.
Talk no more at all.

And I miss you-
my best friend.

Memories

Memories. The mind is a wonderous place. It stores things from phone numbers to birthdays to anniversaries to quotes. It stores pictures, and songs, and poetry. It keeps recordings of voices and videos of our life- bit by bit. And it's so funny how they can make us laugh and make us cry- just within seconds but sometimes even at the same time.

I have been in my house for two years now... and wow- there's a lot of memories here! I'll be moving at the end of this month and saying goodbye to my cozy little rental home, but I'll be taking so many memories with me. I've had good and bad times since living here- but nothing I ever want to forget. I've gone through two serious breakups while living in this house, and quite a few tears. I've laughed loud and hard with friends- many that I've met or gotten closer to since living here. I've been so angry I could tear this house down with my bare hands and I've been so crushed that I just wanted this house to fall in on top of me.

It's funny to me how your mind can flash back and take you to a certain moment in the past just by looking around a room in silence. "He would be sitting there when I'd come in from work" or "that's where mom started crying when she walked in on her suprise 50th birthday party"... or "that's where we danced for no reason at all"... and even "that's where he was sitting when he ripped my heart to shreds". And it's funny how your mind can make you see the exact thing you're remembering, and hear the exact things you heard, even smell the things you were smelling at the moment that something happened.

This house will forever hold the last two years of my twenties, the flame of two loves that have burned down to ash, the heartache of a few hurt feelings, the bellows of laughter from great nights with best friends, and the music of a few slow dances frozen in my mind.

I'm going to miss my quaint little ranch house. I'm going to miss the things I'd hoped for while living here but realized weren't feasible. I'm going to miss having my roommate to bitch to and about, joke with, and even punch in the nose on occasion- even though he drives me insane and I'm anxious to be by myself again. I'm going to miss all the guys coming by before work to play the Xbox even though it's been a while since that's happened. I'm going to miss the privacy of a house- even though I hate mowing the yard that goes with that privacy.

I still don't know where I'm going when I leave this house- but I am looking forward to another new start. I know that with the people that are close to me and the new ones I will meet in the future, even more terrific memories are going to be made in my new place- wherever that may be. I'll be turning 30 in my new place so I'm hoping that with the new place comes a wiser Meesa. Well... a girl can hope, can't she?

"It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time."  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

"We do not remember days; we remember moments."  ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand

"Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember."  ~Seneca

"Memory is a child walking along a seashore.  You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. " ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal